


Sounds of Someday

by WingsandImpalas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, But also, Cabin Fic, Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Cas has kittens, Dean has abandonment issues. Touch-Starved Dean, Domestic Fluff, Getting Together, Grief, M/M, Making Up, Mutual Pining, Post Break-up, Season 15 - Canon Divergence, Snowed In, Wish-list fic, coda fic, human cas, hurt then comfort, post 15x03, retirement fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-01-29 18:10:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21414466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingsandImpalas/pseuds/WingsandImpalas
Summary: "His relationship with Cas is complicated. Dean doesn't know if he can fix what’s broken between them. But he sure as hell can fix the roof of the cabin so it doesn't cave when the first snowfalls.”-------------------------------------------Dean’s world has crumbled around him. Learning God's responsible for every awful thing in his life is hitting him hard and worst of all he pushed the person he loves most away. Determined to fix them, Dean tracks Cas down to Rufus's old cabin hoping to repair it and their relationship along the way.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 157
Kudos: 229





	1. Chapter One - Good Thing Gone (Elle King)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> So after watching 15x04 last week I was left very inspired and was sitting thinking to myself about what I wanted from the finale and decided to write how I wanted the show to end. Now I'm well aware that this fic is purely destiel wish fulfillment but it will have some season 15 plot, it will just have a lot fewer monsters and a lot more hanging out doing chores, because unlike Chuck I listen to Becky Rosen.
> 
> This fic is my Nanowrimo this year and right now it is about a third of the way completed. I plan to have this fic finished by the end of November and will be updating it every Friday. This fic officially will diverge from 15x04 and center on the DeanCas argument from 15x03. However, I will be using some season 15 spoilers and I am setting it for what will seem to be 15x09 however the new episodes will not affect this fic from now on which includes last night's episode. 
> 
> This fic was hugely based on aesthetics and music espeically Jensen's new album. I have a [Pinterest board](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/wingsandimpalas/sounds-of-someday/) made up if you want to get the vibe I am setting for this fic and a [playlist made](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4rMKbvmcCEC47GXOF8YZS9?si=HOGzI3bPSsG0hUDgMzL5zA). Where every week I will add a set of songs that fit the mood of the chapter. Including the song, the chapter is named after. Because like I said this fic has a really strong vibe and this playlist matches it. 
> 
> I will also try and make art for every chapter because I have so much creativity coming of me when I think about this fic in any context. (*Insert Ryan Begeras voice*) That being said I hope you enjoy my creative ramblings and if you have any feelings please share them with me because I need validation to survive.

The bunker feels dusty when they walk in. It's been a while since they've been home, making the rooms stale and unused. Sam sighs in relief, sinking into one of the library's armchairs. His long limbs sprawling wide, "It's good to be home.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Dean sighs falling into the other chair and closing his eyes. He  really  needs a shower and a good night's sleep in his own bed. "How bad do you think my back will be if I fall asleep here right now?"

Sam snorts, "Better than it is when we sleep in the Impala but not by much."

Stumbling to his feet Dean groans as he stretches. He's tired and his spine feels like a tin of sardines, but he still pulls out his phone and checks his calls,  just  in case. He tries not to get excited when he sees the voicemail in his inbox. One look tells him it's not Cas's number. Not that Dean was expecting him to call him back. He was halfway through his third shot when he made that call to Cas last night. Nowhere near drunk enough to justify it, but drunk enough to try. You'd think that after all this time, he'd get tired of talking to Cas's voicemail. That one day he'll come to terms with the fact he walked out and Dean will let him go.

Yawning so hard Dean's jaw pops he lifts the phone and hit's play. He needs a distraction despite the ache in his bones. ” Boy, I’m not going to lie to you. I’ve got a mess going on out here." Bobby says and Dean is  suddenly  wide awake. This man isn't the Bobby Dean grew up with. But hearing that he’s caught up in something still makes his stomach plummet. From down the line, Bobby gives a weary sigh. "Look, this compound we started building up here. It's started to attract some attention and I could  really  use your boys' help dealing with it. I’m not from this world and I still don’t understand everything the way you boys do. Yet, I’ve still got a group of shell-shocked would-be-hunters on my lawn. I can teach them the basics, but if things are as messed up as you say. Y'know, with this whole God business, then I could use your help training them up.”

Dean sighs, relieved Bobby’s not in any real danger before the words sink in. Sam had called Bobby after what happened to mom and the guy had been so quiet at first. Then he decided to say fuck you to his sabbatical and started getting Charlie to help him buy a ghost town up north. Last Dean heard, what's left of the Apocalypse hunters started moving in. But he never imagined that a group of wannabes would have heard about the place.

"Hey Sammy," Dean says, kicking Sam's foot to wake him up from his doze. Sam jolts awake with a snort, looking around like he's afraid he's going to get jumped. Dean frowns at him. Since Rowena did what she did, Sam's not been sleeping right.  Maybe  a break like this is  just  what he needs. "Hey, you're okay," Dean says  softly, only relaxing when Sam nods. "You're not going to believe what Bobby’s been calling me about."

Sam blinks  sleepily  as Dean replays the message. "Huh," He says after it's finished. "Some of the guys must have brought home strays."

Dean snorts, he knows what that's like, they've inspired plenty of recruits themselves. "Well, Sam, what do you say? Fancy helping Bobby with his finishing school for hunters.”

“It's not a bad idea," Sam says, blowing out a long breath. "Hell, with more hunters hanging around, we could actually get some downtime once in a while.”

“Yeah, I guess you're right," Dean says. It's not the distraction he was hoping for, but training takes more time than ghouls these days. "I’ll pack a bag.”

“Dean -” Sam sighs, running a hand through his hair. It's been a while since Deans saw him look so hesitant. “ I think  you should sit this one out man.”

“Why the hell would I do that?” Dean asks with a raised eyebrow. Dean knows he's not as patient as Sam, but he's not a bad teacher. Even if thinking about teaching Jack how to drive causes an ache in his gut. 

Sam bites his lip, not quite meeting Dean's eye. “You’re not okay, Dean," He says like he's the beacon of mental health at the moment. Looking at Dean's face Sam shakes his head. "I mean, I’m not either you know that. I still need time to deal with everything. But you, Dean you can’t keep putting off what's  really  bothering you. You’ll explode  eventually  and that's not the impression you want to leave on a recruit.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? Do you think this God crap isn't bothering me or something?”

"No Dean I know it is but your acting weird," Sam says, waving his hands in the air. "You keep pretending everything fine, that you're free now, but I know how you act Dean. You've been drinking more than usual and stress eating when you’re not. Not to mention the fact you've been mothering me for weeks."

"Can you blame me, Sam? After everything you said on that vamp case, Aren't I allowed to worry about you?" Dean asks, avoiding Sam's eyes. He's known since he was a kid that Sam could see through his bullshit. This isn’t even the first time, he's called Dean out on it like this. But it still surprises him every damn time.

Sam rolls his eyes, getting to his feet so he's looking down at Dean. "You never worry about me like this unless you're avoiding something. Now  normally  I don't care, it's how you deal with things. But the last time you acted like this -" Sam sighs, giving Dean a sad look, "-The last time you were this manic Cas died."

"You don't know what you're talking about Sam." Dean snaps, face flushing with rage. He has been off his game for a while. But he thought he was making a pretty good attempt at using the Frank Devereaux method of faking it till he makes it. He never thought Sam would pick up on this shit, never mind make a connection that even Dean wasn't aware existed. He should have known better than to underestimate him by now. "I'm  just  pissed about Chuck, okay." He says not wanting to admit this has anything to do with Cas's absence.

“I know,” Sam says, watching Dean like he's a pot about to boil over. “I know you're pissed at Chuck but this, Dean this isn't about that. You don't even say his name, Dean.  I think  you should call him."

Dean doesn't mention the fact that his call list is  just  a string of ignoring calls. “No man I can’t he left - he fucked us over," Dean says instead, trying to find the anger in him that made him say what he said that day. It feels more like nausea. "Calling him will  just  bring all that bad luck back again.”

Rolling his eyes, Sam gives Dean a look that would make even demons admit the truth. "Dean, did you ever notice that you’ve forgiven Jack for what happened to Mom and you haven’t forgiven him?"

“What are you talking about, Sam?”

“You keep saying how we’re fighting for Jack. That we’re honouring Jack because you know Chuck made him do what he did. But have you ever considered the possibility that Chuck  probably  fucked with Cas as well.” Sam says, real anger bleeding into his voice.

Dean forgets sometimes that Cas is Sam’s friends too. “I- “

Sam shakes his head, “You know deep down that he never meant to hurt any of us. Look, I’m trying not to overstep here, but after what you told me about you and Leo -”

“Sam don’t.” Dean bites out. He never should have told Sam about what Leo meant to him. It  just  felt wrong to not say anything when they were burning his body. It's hard enough looking at Sam sometimes. Even though he saved his life by killing his possessed ex-boyfriend. He doesn't need Sam bringing up Cas right now in that context. He might actually deck the guy.

“No Dean," Sam shakes his head, lowering his voice. "I always thought you and Cas were close alright, but now  I wonder  -”

“We weren't like that, Sam,” Dean says, the anger leaving him  just  as quickly as it came. The potential was there, Dean knows it was. He's not even surprised Sam could pick up on it. Dean had always  just  been too much of a chicken shit to act on it. Even thinking about the possibilities exhausts him these days. He keeps himself up at night, wondering how things would have ended up if he had  just  spoken the words out loud. Shaking his head Dean meets Sam's eye. “You  really  think I would have hidden it from you if we were together?"

“ Maybe,” Sam shrugs, “I don’t know Dean, the way you two acted sometimes. Even without the whole Leo thing, I thought  maybe  there was something.”

“Well, there wasn’t.” Dean scoffs, trying not to throw up. Silence falls between them. Dean hopes that's the end of it. Sighing, he turns to walk out because he needs a fucking beer after this bullshit.

“Did you ever want to be?” Sam asks to Deans retreating back.

“It doesn't matter what I wanted. Cas left, I -” Dean sighs, scrubbing his jaw. “I pushed him, and I kept pushing him and he left. Nothing’s going to change that now.

“You could apologize," Sam says like it's ever going to be that simple. Dean looks back at him, watching Sam stumble under his glare for a change. "I mean I'm sure he's pissed but this is Cas. He's pretty forgiving.

“I don't know if he can forgive me for this Sammy," Dean admits. He never told Sam the specifics of what he said. At first he tried to play it off like Cas  just  left, but Sam never bought it. Cas wouldn't leave without telling Sam goodbye, not after everything that happened. Dean eventually admitted that they fought, and that Cas walked out. It's not surprising that Sam thinks it was his fault. Dean's sniping those few days had been anything but subtle. "What I said to him - It wasn’t something you can just move past.”

“You'll never know unless you try. Look, man, I like helping other hunters and if you want to do that too, it's fine." Sam says and Dean knows if wanted to drop this, Sam would let him. "But that's not what you should be doing right now. You need him, Dean, you always have.”

"Yeah, I know," Dean sighs, "I'll think about it, man. We should get some sleep and then call Bobby back in the morning. I'll -" Shaking his head Dean closes his eyes, he doesn't want to see Sam's expression when he admits this. "Cas has been screening my calls, but  maybe  I could pray to him. See if anything changes."

When he looks up, Sam is smiling. "If that doesn't work, I know a pretty good tracking spell. Cas is almost as stubborn as you sometimes. But I know deep down he'd want to hear from you."

"Cas is worse than me," Dean laughs, trying not to get his hopes up. "G'night Sammy."

"Night Dean," Sam says  softly  . Dean shakes his head. He almost forgot what a sap Sam is. Dean just hopes he's right about Cas forgiving him.

Inside his room Deans lets his mask slip because if he didn't wear it, Sam would see right through him. The same way Dean can see how ' _fine_ ' his little brother is while when wearing bruises under his eyes. They make a strange pair, the world's famous Winchester brothers. Whose insides are only held together by duct tape, whiskey, and spite these days. Dean hopes teaching will help Sam realize everything not helpless. Those hunters that died during Michael’s raid had left him raw and wrung out for days. But Dean remembers what he was like before. Strong, confident. A real leader in a room where everyone saw that spark, Dean saw in him his whole life. Dean wants his brother to have that again. He deserves to have it again.

Dean's just not sure he deserves to have anything, even Sam most days. Cas had been Dean's anchor for so long. The third wheel that kept him and Sam steady and Dean had driven him away without a thought. His flask is still in his jacket pocket. It's almost empty since Sam drove them home. Dean takes a long pull, looking around his room, then slowly eels at the edge of the bed. It feels wrong, praying to Cas like he usually does. Sitting around like he doesn't care about the connection he's making. Sure, acting that way had helped Dean ignore the intimacy that comes from doing this more than once. But he needs that connection right now if he wants even a chance of Cas listening to him. 

"I'm so sorry Cas." Dean starts, leaning his head against his clapped palms. "I know you probably don't want to hear this. I know I drove you away and I am  probably  the last person you want to listen to but its been months man and I miss you." Shaking his head, Dean holds back a sob. "I know you were doing the right thing. I knew it when I was yelling at you, but after Chuck and Jack and Mom..." Deans crying now, silent tears tracking down his cheeks. He takes another drink, letting the whiskey burn some of his pain away. 

Even on his knees, it feels like Deans making excuses for himself, not asking for forgiveness. "There's no excuse Cas, I fucked up, but I want to fix it. I want to fix us." He sighs, there was a moment back in Tombstone where Dean had grabbed Cas's shoulder. He looked into his eyes and thought he was finally going to man up and kiss him this time. He knew from the look on Cas's face that he wanted Dean to do it. To take that step would cut through the unspoken truth, they've been dancing around for years. Practically a decade. Then Dean's phone rang, and he sprung away, breaking the moment. Looking back Dean knows that there had been dozens of broken moments. He wonders if they'll ever have a moment like that with Cas again. He finally feels ready for them. 

Scrubbing his face, Dean swallows and looks at the ceiling. " Just call me back man. Please." He says finishing the prayer. Catching himself before he admits to the feelings bubbling under the surface of his skin. He wants to tell Cas to his face. Not when he's half-drunk, begging for the angel's forgiveness. Rising to his feet on shaky legs Dean groans. His knee aches like a bitch from sitting on the concrete. The pain  barely  eases when he falls onto his bed. He falls asleep looking at his phone.

Cas doesn't call. 

  
  



	2. I Can’t Go On Without You (KALEO)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finding it really funny that I wrote this chapter two weeks ago and then last nights episode also showed Sam doing witchcraft and Cas running away to a cabin the woods. I currently have the plague (read as a mild-flu) so I would really feedback you guys give. I love you all. Thanks for sticking around to read this current update. I'm about halfway through writing this fic so when I'm finished I’m going to move to twice a week updates so don't be deterred by me posting this update so late. I'm just sick.

"He didn't call me back," Dean says walking into the kitchen. 

  
  


Sam looks up from his bowl of bran flakes. A hard frown on his face. "I guess that means you've got to track him down." 

  
  


"Or I could go with you to Bobby's, give Cas his space." He says heading straight for the coffee machine. 

  
  


Sam chews his cereal thoughtfully, his hair falling into his face. There are dark circles under his eyes. "Normally I'd agree with you," He says, frowning slightly. "But I miss him to man. He hasn't been answering my calls for months. The only texts he even replies to are the ones that ask if he's alive and even then, it’s only with 'I’m fine'. It's been months without any contact and its dumb. The three of us are a family Dean." 

  
  


Dean snorts pouring coffee into the biggest mug they own. The handles chipped, and it's the ugliest shade of green Deans ever seen. Cas found it in a garage sale, when Dean had stopped to look at the owner's collection of tapes. Dean had bought it for him without saying a thing about how ugly it was. After all, coffee was the only human thing Cas still had a taste for. His stomach churns. "You say that like me and you haven't had massive blow-outs." 

  
  


"We got over it." Sam sighs, pushing his hair back from his face. "Chuck's decided he's done with us now and every time I think about the things he did. The things he did to us or made us do to each other. It makes me sick Dean. Having you around knowing that Chuck did those things to you as well, it helps sometimes but Cas -" 

  
  


"He's the only other person that gets it," Dean says, scratching at his chin. Taking a sip of his coffee, he decides to admit to something that's been playing on him for months. "I don't like the thought of him alone after all he's been through. Losing Jack -" Dean cuts himself off. It's the thought that keeps him up at night sometimes. He keeps seeing himself at the crossroads after Sam died, then seeing Cas in that exact position. 

  
  


"Yeah," Sam sighs like he understands where Dean was going with that anyway. "We've got to find him, Dean. Even if you two can't fix what happened between you. I need to know he's at least doing okay." 

  
  


"Do you want to come with me?" Dean asks, perking up a little. Dean's pretty sure his relationship with Cas can't be fixed but it's hard to say no to Sam. Cas might crumble and come home anyway. 

  
  


Sam snorts and shakes his head. "I do not want to be there if you two make up," Dean flips him off, hiding his flushed face in his coffee. He doesn't think what Sam’s implying a chance in hell of happening. But a man can dream, and Deans dreamed about the scenario a lot. Sam takes one look at him and laughs so hard; milk comes out of his nose. 

  
  


"You're an asshole," Dean says without any heat. It feels good to hear him laugh again, Dean thought he had forgotten how. 

  
  


"I'll be fine at Bobby's," Sam says, smiling a little bit. "I know he isn't the guy we grew up with, and Charlie is - well she's different too but it'll be nice to see them. Get some perspective. I might even call Claire and Krissy. If I'm going to be training hunters, I don't want them to feel like they are being left out." 

  
  


"That's a good idea," Dean says, admiring the light in Sam's eyes. It's the first time since Rowena jumped into the pit that Sam started to look hopeful. "Hopefully I can convince Cas to join you up there in a couple of days." 

  
  


"Hopefully," Sam says, dropping his spoon into the bowl with a pleasant clink. "He's still got the GPS turned off on his phone, but we’ve got all the stuff we need for a tracking spell is in the basement."   
  


It takes a few hours. Sam had only seen Ruby do this once, but he's always been a fast learner. They end up using Cas's mug as a way of connecting to him. Sam mumbling the incantation over and over again until it takes. The map finally catching fire, making Dean jump, and rush over to the smouldering remains. When he sees what it's on it, he starts to laugh.

"Well, I'll be damned." He says, shaking his head. Cas has been hiding out in fucking Whitefish. 

  
  


"He's in Rufus's Cabin?" Sam says, eyebrows raised. "Its November." 

  
  


"It’s not like Cas feels the cold," Dean says, frowning at the map. It's been years since he's stepped foot in the old place. He has no clue why Cas feel compelled to go there. He would have thought Cas would have wanted as little memories about them together as possible. 

  
  


"Yeah I guess you're right, I just don’t understand why he’d go there.” 

  
  


Shrugging Dean turns his back to Sam, tidying up the spell ingredients. "I don't know," He sighs, rolling a tub of grave dirt between his palms. "Maybe he needs a place to relax." 

  
  


"Can you picture Cas on vacation?" Sam snorts, shaking his head. 

  
  


"Cas doesn't have the patience to fish," Dean says, trying not to laugh at Cas chilling by a lake. Cas spent centuries watching humans but since he started rebelling, he needs stimulation. "I mean the guy gets bored if we drive over three hours." 

  
  


"The dude's probably curled up watching that telenovela you and Bobby used to love," Sam says looking down at the burnt map. A small smile on his face. 

  
  


Dean shrugs, “Maybe, I won’t know until I find him.” 

  
  


"Call me when you do," Sam says, running a hand through his hair. "I want to talk to him too, okay." 

  
  


"Will do," Dean says smiling softly, thumping Sam's shoulder. “I’m going to go to pack a bag. Meet me at the car in 20."

  
  


  
  


It's a two days drive to Whitefish, and that's not even adding in the extra hours it takes to leave Sam at Bobby's compound. The off-world hunters have set up a pretty nice place for themselves. A large fence lines the property, wards carved directly into the wood. Hunters mill around, most with some kind of construction gear. Dean spots more guns than the impala's arsenal and that's just at the front gate. "How long do you think it will take before the news vans show up, talking about Waco? 

  
  


Sam snorts, stretching his neck in the seat. "I think we're okay for now, but only time will tell," he says, then opens the door. "You sure you don't want to come inside, have a look around." 

  
  


Dean sighs, giving the entrance a wistful look. Any other day Dean would be desperate to see what a small town of hunters would be like. But right now, all he's thinking about is Castiel. 

  
"Another time," He says, tapping his fingers against the wheel. "If I go in Bobby will try to convince me to stay and I can't right now." 

  
Sam gives him a soppy look and rubs at his shoulder. The bullet wounds started to heal. Leaving a dark read scar forming on Sam's skin. It seems to ache more often than Sam will ever own up to. Dean frowns, "Be sure you keep treating that and if it gives you any more trouble call me. Cas's forgiveness or not I'll be back before you know it." 

  
  


"Yeah whatever," Sam says, rolling his eyes. Dean snorts because a part of Sam will always be the rebellious teenager that ran away to Stanford. "Worry about yourself for once alright. Practice how you're going to tell Cas how you feel." 

  
  


Dean shakes his head. "Yeah, don't get your hopes up, man. There's a chance he's just going to slam the door in my face." More than a chance now that Dean thinks about it. He'll be lucky if Cas doesn't hit him for tracking him down. 

  
  


"I have faith in you two," Sam says, getting out and closing the door before Dean can argue with him. 

  
  


"Brothers," Dean says into thin air as Sam gets his bags from the trunk. Dean watches him as he goes up to one of the other hunters, who seems to recognize him. She's smiling at him like he's the best thing since sliced bread. Dean shakes his head at the sight before turning his baby back towards the main road. He's got a couple of hours of daylight left and he doesn't want to waste them. 

  
  


  
  


Dean drives like he hasn't in years. It was so easy in his twenties to cruise for 8 hours. Sometimes more. Only stopping for snacks, he could eat at the wheel and bathroom breaks and gas. Now Dean ends up stopping in diners to give his back a break. Paying out a small fortune to sleep in slightly nicer hotels. The kind with good mattresses so he can get his four hours without agony. 

  
  


He’s a few hours out when he decides to call Cas again. He wants to give him a head's up that’s Dean's close by but of course he doesn’t answer. Dean sighs, waiting for Cas’s voicemail to end before leaving a message. “Look Cas, me and Sam figured out where you were staying and I’m coming there now. If you want me to stop, you gotta call me back man. I just want to hear from you and see if you're doing okay.” 

  
  


It’s nowhere near the whole truth but Dean ends the call anyway. A part of him wants Cas to call him back because he hasn’t heard from him for so long. But Dean also doesn’t want him to call because he wants an excuse to see him in person. 

  
  


By the time he makes it to Whitefish, he feels like he's gained ten years. The sun’s setting behind him, catching the golden trees and russet leaves. It's a picturesque place. The kind of beautiful Dean forgets exists when he's caught up with some apocalypse or another. Driving through it on the 93 Dean can't help but look around. It's a tourist spot, full of mom-&-pop shops and cafes. Dean never really took the time to explore it when he was hiding out here. The leviathans had been a more pressing concern, but he kind of sees why Cas would want to run here. 

  
  


Rufus's place like most hunters is on the outskirts of town. Practically hidden from civilisation near the non-public points off the lake. Dean barely remembers where the hidden dirt path is and ends up pulling out a U-turn on the empty road. When he realizes he's driven past it. It's even worse trying to coast Baby up the hill. The trees have definitely thickened out here. He wonders how Cas found it all. The Impalas gears grind to halt more than often than not. For once in his life Dean considers abandoning her all the way out here. 

  
  


Cas is to close. Dean can practically feel him in the air. His hands are sweating, and the knots in his stomach have gone Celtic. The urge to run to him, to fall at his feet like the bad rom-com’s Sam loves hits him like a punch to the gut. Dean doesn't know how he's going to cope when Cas tells him to leave, but he knows it's going to happen. Sam got his hopes up but now he's here Dean doesn't think Cas could forgive him how could he. “_Something always goes wrong, Dean”. _ Cas had said. And after Chuck's confession, Dean had known why things always fell apart. He still said: “_Yeah? Why does that something always seem to be you?” _Like he didn't know any better. 

  
  


Dean huffs out a breath, he hadn't been a good place when he said that. Too many things had been building inside him, Jack was dead. So were Ketch and Rowena. Not to mention finding out Chuck had been fucking with his life the whole time. He was bound to explode eventually, but what's worse is at the time Dean felt justified. Chuck had admitted to messing with them for his own amusement. Everything he ever did. Every love, every loss; every thought in his head. Seemed to have Chuck's fingerprints all over it. And Dean had thought at that moment; who better to do God's bidding than an angel. Who better to mess with their lives than one of his most loyal creations. 

  
  


It was only after Cas left that Dean realized he could never do that. Cas had told him back at the Hellmouth that they were real, and Dean hadn’t understood what he meant. Not until Cas left on his own accord, without Chuck pulling the strings because Dean was being an asshole. The heartbreak Dean had felt when Cas walked away was real. Everything he felt for Cas was still there. Bubbling under the surface and Dean had realized what the fuck he had just done. 

  
  


Easing Baby around a turn Dean pulls her to a stop, right in front of the cabin. His breath catches in his throat. Standing on the porch Cas watches the impala with wary eyes. The trench coat and suit are gone. A flannel and torn jeans hugging Castiel's skin in their place. He looks good like this, more relaxed somehow at least until he meets Dean's eyes. He almost looks human. 

Dean hadn’t even considered this as a possibility, but it makes an awful amount of sense. Why else would an angel need a home base? It's not as if Cas ever needed sleep. Dean had hated seeing Cas in Rexford, looking lost and weak in a stupid blue vest, but he knows Cas had gotten lucky. That it was only by chance that he didn't get caught sleeping in the stock room. Now he's hiding in an isolated in a woodland cabin. All because he was too pissed to even ask Dean for help. Swallowing, Dean turns off the car and gets out. The forest around him is silent, the winter wind cold on his skin. Dean shivers, turning to meet Cas who hasn't moved a muscle.

"Hey Cas," Dean says, voice cracking. 

Cas looks at him, fists clenched by his side. He opens his mouth, once, twice then closes it when no words come out. Dean takes a step forward, and Cas suddenly launches into action. Storming down the porch, past Dean and disappearing into the woods. Once again Dean watches him go. 

  
  



	3. Chapter Three -Tribulation (Matt Maeson)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I just really enjoy writing angst. Sorry in advance.

Dean sits down on the cabin steps, stubbornly waiting for Cas to come back. He knew Cas wouldn't be happy to see him but walking away like this wasn't what he expected. Cas is a quiet guy, but he is always the first to speak when they are mad at each other. Deans the one who starts the silent treatments; going out of his way to ignore Cas in the corridors when he's mad at him. It seems like Cas has decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. 

Sighing Dean scuffs his feet against the steps of the cabin, noticing the places where the woods starting to rot. The cabin had never been the riz. But Rufus had done a surprisingly good job with the upkeep of this place. Sam and Dean had barely touched it after Bobby died. He's surprised Cas even remembered about the place considering how crazy he was at the time. He wants to know what drove Cas to come here. How long has he been here? Is he happy now that he's free from Dean? But those are questions he needs Cas here to answer. Dean sits and waits, biting his nails and tapping his feet when it gets too cold. The Impala beckons him more than once but he knows that once he's behind the wheel, he'll drive away. 

It's not that he wants to give up, but he's freezing his fucking balls off. For a brief second, he considers going inside the cabin, but he doesn't want to invade Cas's space anymore that he already has. He's already upset the guy; he doesn't want to make it any worse by overstepping any boundaries Cas has made for himself. He deserves better than that, especially from Dean after all he's done to hurt him. Groaning Dean rises to his feet, the darkness around him lit by the half-moon. 

A quick walk around the perimeter reveals more problems with the cabin than he first thought. The back porch has holes in the floor the size of boots; The back window needs to be resealed. Worst of all, a tarp has been haphazardly placed over what Dean guesses is a hole in the roof. It would make for a cold living, especially this time of year. Dean doesn't want to consider how Cas is coping in his new human skin. 

The thought churns his stomach. Cas being on his own, fully powered up is one thing. Dean hopes he's wrong. That Cas really didn't fall after all the shit he went through to get his grace back. But he can't shake how human Cas had looked. Dean knows his body language by now. Having grace always makes Cas stiff, his spine incapable of slumping even an inch. But when he's human, Cas falls into his skin in a way Dean can’t explain. He wears his heart on his sleeve. After his last bout as a human, Dean taught Cas how to drive and to cook when he had the time. Sam then taught him how to play cards and get good grocery deals. But neither of them ever thought about teaching him about home repair. Because it was always assumed that if he ever fell again, this time he'd stay in the bunker. 

His relationship with Cas is complicated. Dean doesn't know if he can fix them, but he sure as hell can fix the cabin's roof so it doesn't cave in when the first snowfalls. The guy deserves to have somewhere warm and safe after everything he's been through. He hopes Cas will let him fix it or else Deans going to have sneak back in the dead of night and do it himself. There's no way he's going to let Cas freeze to death just because he's mad at Dean. He'll send Sam down if he has too. The kid will probably return black and blue and the roof might be crooked, but it will be a lot better than what Cas has going for him right now.

Dean's still assessing the cabin when creaking floorboards get his attention. He snaps his head to the side, looking up from where he was inspecting the back steps to see Cas frowning at him. "I hid in the woodshed, hoping you would leave," Cas says, his voice gruffer than Dean remembers. 

Dean flinches, "I'm not leaving till we talk Cas," Cas's face darkens and Dean swallows despite himself, "I mean if you want me to go after that I will." He says realizing how aggressive he must have sounded after everything, “But I need to talk to you at least one more time. Please, Castiel," 

Cas's eyes widen. It's been years since Dean’s ever used his full name, but Dean's desperate. "One talk," He says, giving Dean a long look. 

Dean rises to his feet, a grateful smile on his face. Cas watches him warily even as he unlocks the door. Under his feet, two balls of fluff dart over his feet. 

"What the fuck are those?" Dean asks as the bundles run into the woods. 

"Kittens," Cas says slowly, like Deans an especially slow child. 

Dean raises an eyebrow, "You’ve got kittens?"

"Yes," Cas says, marching inside the cabin. 

Dean follows, looking over his shoulder to see the two little kittens playing with each other in the grass outside. One of them is so black, Dean can only really make out its shape when the ginger one pounces on it. 

The inside of Rufus’s cabin hasn't changed much. There's still sigils on some of the windows. Mismatched furniture and books wherever there seems to be space but it seems Cas is trying to make some changes. The Tv now has an actual stand and the bunk-beds in the back room have been replaced by a large bed beside the smoldering fireplace. The new bedspread looks homemade. It's obvious that Cas is really trying to build a home here. Just above the bathroom door, Dean can see the tarp through the hole in the roof. A collection of bowls and pots are gathered under it. Dean really wants to fix Cas’s roof, but he knows going to have to work up to asking about it. 

"Is it safe for them out there?" He asks instead, closing the door on the playing kittens. 

Cas rolls his eyes as he steps into the cabins small kitchen. "Cats are one of the world's most adept predators," He says, pulling out a bottle of whiskey and banging it down on the table. "But I also put wards up around the area for over a mile to deter other predators, along with ensuring the kittens don't wander too far." 

Dean blinks, "There are wards for that?" 

"There are wards for everything," Cas says, pouring himself a glass. For a second his voice is filled with the angelic righteousness he used to always carry. Then he picks up the glass and the moments gone. He doesn't offer Dean anything. “How did you find me, Dean?”

“Sam did a tracking spell,” Dean says, watching as Cas swallows the glass in one go. He flinches straight after. Dean raises an eyebrow, it's another sign Cas has lost his grace. The burn of alcohol never seems to hit him when he's an angel. "We were worried about you and wanted to know if you were okay. I mean we were probably right to be worried. Because this is either just a wardrobe change or your human?” 

Cas blinks in surprise, putting the glass down and leaning against the counter. His arms almost folded across his chest, "Yes, Dean I'm human." 

Dean licks his lips, “For how long?” He asks like he has a right to know the answer. 

“A few months, almost since I left,” Cas rubs at his neck, shifting the collar of his shirt revealing a fresh scar on his neck. Dean stiffens as Cas reaches for the cord around his revealing a glowing blue pendant. 

Cas starts to twirl the pendent between his thumb and forefinger. "I met up with Claire not long after we left the bunker. We went hunting a dragon that was taking young girls. After we slew it, I noticed that my grace was still fading. I don't know if it was because of Chuck or if it had anything to do with the state of heaven but I didn't want to risk losing it permanently. Not when I don't know when I'll need it again. Claire helped me remove it and by storing it like this it’s been kept in a kind of stasis. It seemed best to go somewhere safe to recover and I've been here ever since." 

“So, you've just been out here chilling in the woods since it happened?” 

“There’s more to life than hunting Dean,” Cas says stiffly, clearly not picking up on the worry in Dean's voice. 

"I know, Cas. That wasn't what I was getting at," Dean says, shakily reaching out his hand to pull Cas's collar back further. He hates that he always sounds pissed when he's scared. It's always caused fights between them. "I mean you're not hurt anywhere else, are you? You’re eating okay?" 

Cas rolls his eyes again, not flinching as Dean checks over his scar. Dean's surprised Cas even let him get this close. "No Dean, I've had some minor cat scratches and I've discovered that vinegar might be one of the foulest things humanity ever created but I've been doing okay." 

"Good," Dean whispers, fingers briefly stroking over the scar. Claire seemed to have done a good job with the cut. It's precision straight and cleanly stitched. He wonders if Alex taught her how to do that. Cas shivers, "I'd hate for anything to happen to you Cas." 

Cas sighs batting Dean's hand away. "A lot of things have happened to me, Dean. I've gotten used to it." 

"Cas -"

"Why are you here Dean? You said you were both worried about me and that's why you tracked me down but Sam’s not here? Is he okay? Is something wrong?”

Deans not imagining the concern in Cas's voice, but he can also see the tension in his spine. Cas seems like he would tolerate Dean coming to him for help, but he sure as hell isn't happy about it. He's not sure if what he's got to say will make this moment better or worse. "Nothing’s wrong, at least no more than usual."

"Dean your usual includes several apocalypses and being a pet project for God. Forgive me if I don't find that explanation reassuring. Especially when you drove all the way out here." 

"I drove out here because I wanted to see you," Dean says, looking down at his feet. The space between them feeling vastly larger than it actually is. "Sam may have done the spell because he was worried. But I’m here because I wanted to apologize for what I said to you before you left."

"You said a lot," Cas says, his voice as sharp as his angel blade. "You'll have to remind me of the specifics." 

Dean sighs, he knew Cas wasn't going to let this be easy, but this is still one of the hardest things he's ever had to do. "I'm sorry I said you ruined everything and I'm sorry I treated you like nothing when we were hunting and I'm so fucking sorry that I said you were dead to me. I didn't mean it." 

"Yes, you did," Cas says, wincing. "I could feel exactly what you felt at that moment, Dean. You meant every word." 

"I know but I was angry and worried -"

"You're always angry and worried!" Cas yells interrupting him. Dean blinks, in over ten years Deans never heard Cas sound like this. "We've fought like this before more than once, but this time was different Dean. You stopped believing in me." 

"It wasn't just you, I stopped believing in Cas. It was everything, we were supposed to be team free will and when Chuck said that everything had been part of his game… I didn’t know what to believe in anymore." 

"This isn't about Chuck, Dean," Cas says, there are tears in his eyes. "This is about you and me, I told you what we had was real and you treated me like I didn't exist. You made me got to hell with that thing in Jack's skin."

Dean winches. Belphegor creeped him out, but Deans used to his family being possessed. A common demon didn't seem that bad considering the fact that the two most important people in his life have carried the actual devil. 

"I could see his true form Dean; I could see his corruption searing into Jack's body and I had to smite him. I had to smite my son's corpse!" Cas is crying now, even as he yells with rage.

Dean feels tears running down his face as well. He never even thought about what Cas had to do to kill Belphegor, just that he killed them before their plan was over. At the time that was all Dean cared about. 

"I had to do that. All of that because you stopped listening to me. Because I was somehow supposed to understand that Jack killing his pet snake would result in the death of your mother."

Dean understands that Cas is lashing out, that this is a blow that's supposed to hurt. That doesn't make it any easier to brace for. It's been three months since Jack killed Mary, almost four now and Dean hasn't even begun to grieve for her yet. The loss is still too fresh.

"I'm so sorry Cas," Dean says, his voice shaking. "I'm sorry I hurt you. You have no idea how much."

"I don't know if that makes it any better Dean," Cas says, using his sleeve to scrub angrily at his tears. 

"I know," Dean sighs, sitting weakly on one of the stools. It creaks under his weight but doesn't collapse. If Dean wasn't feeling so wrung out, he'd wonder how the hell this cabin is still standing. "I just don't know what else to say, I want to fix this Cas." 

"I don't think this is something that can be fixed," Cas says, he looks just as heartbroken as Dean feels but there's steel in his voice. "It might be easier if you just left."

For just a second, Dean sees himself standing outside a ring of fire begging Cas to let him fix this and Cas telling him that it wasn't broken. Hearing Cas give up on them now, after everything, feels like a knife to the chest. 

"Cas," Dean croaks, refusing to sob when Cas is watching him. "Leaving now will only make this harder. I -" He swallows, for a second Dean wants to admit how much Cas means to him but now's not the time. "At least let me stay and fix the roof, I’ll get a motel in town. I just don't want you getting sick now that you're human.” 

"I don't know Dean." Cas sighs, long and rattling. He bites his lip looking drained. "You really think you can fix it?"

"Yeah,” Dean shrugs, worn down to the bones. “I mean it's been a few years since I worked construction, but a roof is a roof." 

"I've been trying to find someone in town to come out and have a look at it. But most places were looking for more than I was willing to pay." 

"How are you getting by anyway?" He asks, worriedly.

“I don't think that's any of your business,” Cas says, pouring himself another drink.

Dean sighs scrubbing his jaw, he should have expected that one. Still he wants to help, at least more than he did last time when Cas was human. His credit card scams have backfired the last two times Dean tried it. But Sam has been selling some of the bunkers non-cursed items to make cash. He’s sure he could find a way to give Cas something needs it. There’s no way he's leaving him with nothing again. He could probably slip him something before he leaves. 

"I get by, "Cas says, after a while. "Sam taught me how to play online poker and I work part-time." 

"Stacking shelves?" Dean asks, vividly remembering how depressed Cas had looked in Rexford. 

"No, nothing like that." He says, pulling at the flannel he's wearing. From the size of it, Dean assumes Sam left it here last time. "I do deliveries, I think they call it meals on wheels." 

"You deliver food to old people?" Dean asks, surprised to hear a smile in his voice. It’s not a luxury job, but it's something he can see Cas being good at. Sure, he's not a people person. At least not with anyone under the age of 60. Cas had always seemed to click with the pensioners they interviewed. He even seemed content when he stayed at that old folk's home. At least until Fred had passed away.

"Sick people as well," Cas says, taking a deep drink, his cheeks flushed. His tolerance was always pretty shitty as a human. "When my grace was at its fullest, I could cure them so easily but now… Bringing them their meals is still something I can do. It brings them some comfort, at least."

"You help Cas, just by being you," Dean says, meeting his eyes for a change. "Sure, it’s not a miracle, but it’s something. It's the best you can do."

For a second Dean thinks Cas is going to smile then it's gone just as quick. “Okay, you can fix the roof.” He says harshly. 

“And what about everything else?” Dean asks, his voice shaking. “Can I try and fix that too.” 

Cas pinches the bridge of his nose, “I really don't know if it can be fixed Dean but… you can try.” 

“Okay,” Dean sighs in relief, it's not forgiveness. He knows that. But it sure as hell is better than nothing. He doesn't linger getting to his feet, Cas following him to the door and whistling outside. Within seconds the two kittens wander into the room. Their tiny bodies dripping wet. Dean notices for the first time the noise of the rain hitting against the roof.

Stepping out into the downpour leaves Dean drenched in seconds. He hopes Cas tarp will be enough to protect him for tonight. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.” 

“Tomorrow,” Cas says, haloed in door frame by the cabin light. Dean's fingers itch to touch. He puts them in his pocket instead, pulling out the Impalas keys and getting inside.

When he looks up Cas has closed the door. Dean bangs his head against the headrest before stowing his shit and driving into town. 

  
  



	4. Chapter Five - The Bones (Hozier)

Dean wakes up in a dumpy hotel on the outskirts of town. It's not any different to how he's woken up the past few days. But it feels worse because he actually found Cas and got turned away. Dean expected it, he tried to brace for it. But Sam with his hopeful words and understanding eyes had ruined him. Dean had been hopeful and he got his hopes crushed. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Dean wants to leave town and put everything behind him. He wants to bury himself in his room with cartoons and cereal boxes. Pretending the world doesn't exist. But he can't do that because he's got a roof to fix.

He can't let Cas down again. The very thought of it hits him like a punch in the gut. He promised Cas he could fix the roof and if he ever wants a chance to fix them as well he's got to keep that promise. Sure, Cas turned him away. Sure, Cas fucking cried because of what Dean did. But Dean is going to try and make up for that because he loves him. It hurts to admit it. It feels like the knife he buried in Cas's chest the day they met. But God, Dean's been in love with the bastard for years. He's just been too afraid to own up to it. Even to his own mind.

Sure, there's been an apocalypse or two thrown in there. Chuck's fingerprints are all over Dean's life. Interrupting any chance, he's ever had to process how much he wants Cas in his life. But Chucks not to blame for this. Dean's sure of that now. His feelings for Cas came from him, no one else.

The problem is he's also the one that fucked them up. He let Cas walk away all because he was too afraid of what Chuck had done to him. Now he's going to try his damn best to fix it. He has too. He doesn't want to do it alone anymore. Sure, Dean has Sam, but dammit, he wants more than that.

He wants Cas for however long Chuck will let him live. He wants to see him get used to human skin. He wants to cook for him and see what food he actually likes. He wants to see if Cas will blush when Dean finally works up the nerve to kiss him. But if he ever wants to get anywhere near Cas, he has to make it up to him. He needs to fix the roof and keep his word. He needs to prove to Cas that he's worth it.

Forcing his ass out of bed Dean drives to the hardware store, glaring up at the dark clouds overhead. The Impala has always done shit in the snow. So Dean has always been wary of it. He’s seen enough snow clouds throughout his life to spot them from miles away. These clouds aren't them, but they promise the kind of heavy rain that will make roof repair a bitch. Dean will have to watch out for that. He's been more clumsy than usual recently. Before he left the bunker, he had tripped on his shoelaces. He wonders if it’s a symptom of getting older. If it is, Apocalypse or not Dean might have to retire soon.

The thought doesn't feel as terrifying as it should be. Not when he pictures retiring somewhere like here. The cabin is the kind of place that will be amazing when its fixed-up right. Cas picked a good home. Maybe, if Deans very, very lucky Cas will let the cabin be his home as well. Dean snorts, walking into the hardware store shaking his head. There’s no point in dreaming, luck has never been on his side.

Getting the tools is easy, Dean didn't do too bad at Lisa’s. He liked repairing places and he was good at it. There’s no point in buying any lumber until he can measure the hole and see how much he needs. But the tools are simple enough. The kid behind the register smiles when he rings Dean up. He’s a young guy, eager and cheerful. It's probably his first job, making him eager to please. Dean appreciates the smile after a morning of thinking as he has. In another life, Dean wishes he was surrounded by this small town charm. 

When he pulls up into Cas's cabin, Cas is standing on the porch again. The Impalas engine anything but subtle in the wilderness. Dean can't help but think he belongs out here. There’s always been something wild about Cas. A barely leashed storm hidden under a trench coat and harried squints. Out here he looks relaxed, wearing warm flannels and growing a beard. He’s holding the biggest thermos Deans ever seen. Dean rolls his eyes, Angel or not, Cas's coffee addiction is the only rival to Deans own. 

"Hello Dean," Cas says, roughly.

"Hey Cas," Dean swallows at the words, his face heating up. It’s been far too long since he heard those words. "Just give me a second to set up, once I get a look around and see what's going on up there, I'll have it fixed in no time."

"I want to help," Cas says sipping at his coffee like it's the only thing keeping him upright. There are sees dark circles under Cas's bloodshot eyes. He looks like he hasn't slept in days.

Dean blinks, his first instinct is to say no. Cas has no clue what he’s doing. The thought of him going up on the roof is terrifying. When Dean knows if he falls it will hurt this time. But Cas isn't a baby, he’s older than the earth itself and Dean's tired of arguing with him. He bites his lip, thinking. "Okay, as far as I know, there’s a ladder in the basement. Help me set it up and I'll see what you can do."

Cas raises an eyebrow. He probably expected a fight because everything about Dean says there should be one. Dean like helping people but he hates people helping him. It’s a fact of life at this point. Cas was probably expecting to fight tooth and nail from the moment he woke up this morning. Dean almost smiles, It feels good to throw off his expectations.

A glance around the cabin shows him the bed in the back is rumpled. There's an empty bottle of whiskey sitting on the nightstand. Dean swallows down the guilt. He can't prove that his presence has driven Cas to drink. But it probably did. He forces himself to look away. Cas doesn't draw attention to it, leading Dean down to the basement.

He’s cleaned since Bobby’s leviathan integration but the sigils have been redrawn. Some new ones added to the floor and the walls. The whole place smells like matches and incense. At the back table a book is cracked open, jars and bowls placed to the side. It looks like Cas has been trying some spells since he got here. Maybe he's trying to restore his grace.

Dean wants to ask, but he thinks of that empty bottle of whiskey. The stiff way Cas is walking and the dark circles under his eyes. He's hungover, Dean can see that now. Hungover and probably prissy. Dean doesn’t want to get kicked out because he’s being pushy. He hasn't earned the right to ask Cas what’s he's up to. Even though he wants too. Cas has to let Dean in this time. Dean can't come at him like a battering ram and keep hoping for a warm reception. He purposely ignores the table, pointing at the ladder against the wall.

Rufus has some tools down here as well. The kind of stuff you need for basic maintenance. The ladder has rusted in a few places, along with Rufus’s box of tools. Everything looks like it's liable to give Dean a bad case of tetanus and that’s with his shot. His stomach churns. He might have to pick a fight with Cas after all. "I don't think you should use any of this," Dean says, avoiding Cas's eye.

Cas groans, "Why not?"

"Tetanus," Dean says swiftly. He doesn’t want to fight Cas but he sure as hell isn't letting him get sick. "I got some new tools and this ladder isn't so bad, but I don't think you should come up there with me until I remove the nails. I don't know how rusted they are going to be."

"I want to fix my own place, Dean," Cas says gruffly, even as Dean shakes his head. He won't let Cas near anything until its clear. The guy may be older than dirt but it's terrifying how new he is to all of this human crap. Dean doesn’t know if he still carries any angelic immunity. But he doesn’t want to drag Cas to the nearest hospital when he gets sick.

"I'll teach you anything you want to know after I remove the nails. Then we'll go into town and get you a shot. You can help me pick out new lumber after." Dean says trying to compromise. He’s good at the whole clinic thing. He does it enough with Sam - _who can sew up his skin without flinching_ \- yet still winces at needles.

Cas frowns, considering Deans offer looking down at his hands. He sighs, "Okay, I suppose that’s fair."

Dean almost grins, going through Rufus's tools until he finds an old pair of work gloves. They're a bit too small for Cas's hands. Dean coughs so he doesn’t give away how hot under the collar that thought makes him. Cas's hands have always been fucking distracting. Together they manage to manoeuvre the ladder outside. Grunting and cursing at each other when they inevitably ram the ladder into a wall. They only knock over one chair. It almost feels like old times.

"Okay this is going to be pretty shitty without a scaffold but if you hold the ladder it shouldn't be too bad," Dean says, swallowing a little as he tightens his new tool belt. Heights aren't his favourite, but he's faced worse things in his life. The winds not even that bad.

"Are you saying this isn't safe?" Cas asks a furrow between his eyebrows. Dean should have kept his damn mouth shut.

"It’s fine Cas, people do it like this all the time I'm just used to having a crew with scaffolding." He explains. Cas's shoulders get higher.

"Dean if this isn't safe, I can get someone else -"

"No!" Dean snaps, closing his eyes with shame. He really wanted to try and be cool about this."Cas it's fine I can do this. Let me fix it."

"What do I feel like you're not talking about the roof?" Cas asks eyebrows raised.

"I am talking about the roof," He says defensively.

Climbing up the ladder, it shakes a little until Cas springs into action. Muttering in Enochian as he holds on tight to the bottom steps. Looking down Dean’s treated to a speculator glare. He winks and climbs onto the roof, edging his way towards the tarp. Peeling it back Dean hides a wince.

The roof is well and truly fucked. The wood rotted in more than a couple of places. Giant holes, eating up the wooden shakes. He sighs, "Time to get to work." 

It’s easy to fall into the work, using the hammer to tear out the old nails and a crowbar to pry off the older shakes. Some split completely in two because of the holes. Thankfully the bones are good. The structural beams are still intact. Cas is lucky that this is just a patch job. Even Deans skills would baulk at replacing those things. Dean puts some nails into a tool pouch. Only throwing down the cleared wood to Cas whos wringing his hands.

"Maybe you should take a break," Cas shouts up after who knows how long.

"Nah," Dean grunts forcing the crowbar to hard splitting the wooden shake in down the middle. "Fuck," He snaps, pulling at the split pieces of wood and throwing them to the ground below.

"Are you okay?" Cas yells from below, he almost sounds worried.

Dean closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He's not okay, there’s sweat dripping down his face, and he forgot to eat breakfast. But he can't risk Cas calling someone else in to do this for him. The bastard was right, this isn't about the roof. It's about them. Dean can't let him down right now. He just needs to finish this and maybe then they will be okay. "I’m fine Cas, the board just broke."

He can feel Cas frowning at him from a mile away, but at least he doesn’t call Dean out on his obvious lie. Dean gets back to work, ignoring the rumble in his stomach.

"I think it’s going to rain soon," Cas yells up, he sounds more annoyed this time. "You should come down before it starts."

"I said I'm fine Cas!" Dean snaps face flushed. The current boards jammed. He bares his teeth and tugs at the nail again. Cas mutters from the ground. Vague Enochian phrases that don't sound too polite. He used to do that a lot when he helped Dean out with cases. Always after Dean pissed him off. His stomach churns, fixing the roof is supposed to be helping this for fuck sake. He's trying his best not to be an asshole and he's failing. Looking up at the grey clouds overhead, Dean stifles a groan because Cas is right. It’s going to pour. He keeps ripping off the old boards.

Dean doesn't know how long it takes for every faulty shake to be stripped off. But when it's done he can't even feel proud. He’s not sure he's ready to face Cas again, knowing he’s pissed as hell. "Okay, I think I'm done," He yells surveying the space he made with a frown.

There are twelve missing pieces in total and Dean needs to replace them all before the snow starts. He measures the space left behind, writing the numbers on the back of his hand. It's not the worst he’s ever seen, He still gets chills when he thinks about the refurbishment he at Lisa’s. This is actually fixable. Dean grabs the tarp, pleased to see its wide enough to cover it until he gets fresh lumber to fix it. Nailing it into the beams takes up another few minutes but it's soon time for Dean to face the music.

Carefully Dean rises from his perch on top of the ridge and walks back to the ladder. Cas watches him from below. Daring Dean to fall so he can yell at him about how someone more professional could have fixed it. He flexes his hands when he’s on the ground. The red skin stinging.

Cas glares at them. "I hope you aren't trying to get frostbite as a form of self-punishment."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Dean snaps, rubbing his cold hands together away from Cas's gaze.

Cas rolls his eyes, "I'm still mad at you Dean, but that doesn't mean you have to overwork yourself to the point of pain. You've been working steadily for two hours now. In freezing temperatures with no food. I know from all your rants about Kansas that you don't like cold weather. So, I can see no reason for you to be outside this long, without gloves -" He frowns down at the Dean's hands. "- Unless you are punishing yourself for no reason."

"It’s not for no reason," Dean says, before realizing what he's admitting to. "I mean - ah - you've got to get that roof fixed man. That’s why I'm working so hard. There’s no need to be such a dick. I'm just trying to help you out."

"Actually, Dean I have plenty of reasons to be a dick," Cas says coarsely. His voice always gets so rough when he's pissed. "I didn't ask for your help Dean. Nor did I ask for your apologies. But I’m dealing with it because you have been my friend for a long time.”

“Don’t worry Cas, the sooner I get this done. The sooner I can leave you alone. I know that's what you really want.” Dean sighs, scrubbing the back of his head. He should have known he was going to fuck this up.

Cas looks pained. “I don't know what I want Dean. I didn't want to leave the bunker. I didn't want to leave you."

"Then why the fuck did you go?” Dean yells his face flushing. He feels sick. It's barely a day, and they are already fighting again.

Cas squints at him. The narrow-eyed one that only happens when Deans going to get yelled at. Dean swallows. "Because Dean, I felt forced out. You pushed me away and now you're trying to push your way back in!"

Dean feels his stomach drop. He thinks of the spell-work and the whiskey bottle and how mad Cas is. For a second he thinks this is it. Cas is going to make him go home. Their friendship left behind in the dust.

Cas sighs, "I chose to leave because you hurt me Dean, but that doesn't mean I didn't miss you. I like the fact you're trying Dean, I don't want to like it, but I do. I don't want you to punish yourself anymore. I don't want to watch you suffer because of whatever you think I want from you." He shakes his head. Dean feels the beginning of hope spark in his chest. "You being here has made me realise that It might be possible to forgive you someday. But I need you to be here to do it. I’m tired of deathbed confessions, so cut yourself some slack.”

"Okay," Dean says in disbelief. Cas wants to forgive him, it might be the best news he’s head all day. "Whatever you want Cas."

Cas snorts, "I'm not sure what that is anymore. I still need time to figure that part out." He bites his lip, almost looking apologetic. "You should come inside before we go to town, I've almost mastered how to make lunch."

Dean snorts, trying not to grin like a loon. Cas rolls his eyes looking at Deans face. "If you fuck up cooking, I'll help," He says, trying not to get too sentimental. It’s just lunch, after all, Cas didn't say Deans was forgiven or anything. But he did say he wants to try.

Dean can work with that.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels a bit like a filler but it needed to be done. The pace will start to pick up from here I promise I just needed to get this bit out of the way so Dean and Cas could have an actual honest conversation! I know, I know, I'm shocked too.


	5. Chapter five - Off my Mind (Radio Company)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp this is late. Christmas prep and Coursework prevented me from editing this until like 10 pm today I'm so sorry. Accept these two pining dumbasses and some cute art as my apology.

Inside the cabin, Cas sighs into his mostly empty cabinets before making sandwiches. “We might have to skip the clinic today; I’ve got to get groceries.” He says sullenly assembling the first P&J. 

“Okay,” Dean says, biting his lip. He’s not going to let Cas help him with the construction without that shot. But food seems to be taking priority over Cas’s insistence that he helps with the repairs. “I’m not sure how we are going to get all the lumber in my car never mind whatever else you need.” 

Cas starts to smile as he passes Dean over a plate of P&Js. “We can use my trunk.” 

“We left your truck at the lake house. I thought you were driving a Prius now.” 

“I sold the Prius after I decided I needed to cut out my grace," Cas says, smiling smugly while taking a bite of his lunch. "Then I stole a new truck on the way to the cabin." 

Dean blinks, “Who taught you grand theft auto?" He asks in surprise. 

"Bobby," Cas says, smirking at whatever expression Deans got on his face. 

“When did he get the time to do that?” 

"One day you and Sam were sleeping in late after a hunt,” Cas says smiling warmly. “Bobby was awake, and he got annoyed at me when I kept trying to go up and wake you. To distract me he decided I should learn car maintenance since I stopped teleporting. More importantly, he thought I should learn how to steal a car even though you had never taught me how to drive." 

"Huh," Dean says, taking a second to think and chew his food. It’s been nine years since the apocalypse. Yet, Cas had never mentioned this before. Dean had never wondered where Cas got all his cars. He just assumed Cas was buying them or maybe using some Jedi-mind trick to get them. He never thought that Bobby taught him how to jimmy open a window. He wonders if Cas kept it from him on purpose or if it's because Cas never talks about himself. Dean wonders if he ever will. 

"Did you and Bobby hang out a lot back then?" 

Cas frowns shrugging as he finishes his food. "Not always. He was usually asleep before you were. But sometimes he would ask me things about what he was researching. Other times he taught me things, like how to clean guns and steal cars." 

"You were friends," Dean realizes blinking in surprise. He never really thought about Cas and Bobby before. Sure, they worked together, but Dean had always thought it was by necessity. Looking at Cas’s sad smile he realizes he missed the mark with that one. 

“I suppose we were,” Cas says, clearing up their plates. 

Dean jumps up to help him, trying to think of other questions he can ask Cas about his past. Desperate for any information about his life that Cas is willing to give him. He jumps when he feels a tug on his jeans. Looking down Dean meets the curious green eyes of Cas’s ginger kitten. "Hey, there little guy," He mumbles crouching down so it can sniff his fingers. 

Since that damn German Shepard case, Dean's gotten a lot better around animals. But much to Sam’s chagrin, he still has nightmares about Hellhounds tearing apart his skin. Sam has wanted a pup since he was nine and he will probably never stop dreaming. Dean had too put his foot down about the issue when they found the bunker. He couldn't sleep if a dog was wandering the halls. Unlike dogs, cats don't scare him. In fact, if it wasn’t for his allergies Dean thinks he would have gotten himself one a while ago. Cats can handle themselves. But they are also bossy, demanding troublemakers when they want to be. Kind of like Cas, actually now that he thinks about it. No wonder he got himself a couple. 

Cas looks back at Dean and frowns. "I thought you were allergic?"

Dean sighs, nudging his knuckles under the kitten's chin. It allows him to scratch its chin, eyes closing. "I bought Claritin last night. I figured these guys would be here and I didn't want to leave them unattended." 

Cas shakes his head. If Dean didn't know any better, he'd say the guy almost looked fond. "What are their names?" Dean asks patting the tiny kitten's stomach. Its fur softer than silk. 

Cas smiles. "Pumpkin and Spice, Claire found them for sale outside of a coffee shop in town. She assured me the names were funny, but I have yet to see the significance." 

"Of course, Claire would call them something like that." Dean laughs softly, the kitten bats his knuckles it's big green eyes, sizing him up. "I'm guessing you are Pumpkin." He says softly as the kitten gnaws on his knuckles. 

Glancing over at Cas, Dean watches as the black kitten enters from the back door and worms her way around Cas's legs. Blue eyes assessing him almost as severely as their owners. 

Cas rolls his eyes, "Yes Dean that's Pumpkin. Spice here is far shyer." 

Dean sighs, giving the kitten one more indulgent pet. “We better get into town before the rain starts.” 

Cas throws down the dishrag. "I'll go get my coat." He says disappearing into the bedroom. 

Dean stays near the ground trying to coax Spice closer so he can pet her too. The kitten just stares at him, blue eyes wide before she yawns and walks right past him. Dean snorts and shakes his head. From behind his back, Dean hears Cas muffle a laugh. Jumping to his feet Dean turns to brush the dust off his knees. His throat suddenly going dry. 

Cas is wearing his trench coat over his flannel. The sight of it winds Dean a little. Cas tilts his head to the side. “Are you ready to go.” 

“Yeah… I’m ready.” Dean coughs into his fist still staring at Cas’s damn coat. The thing had always looked so dorky over his suit. Like Cas was some kind of accountant or something. It looks a lot better with the flannel he's sporting. Now it looks warm like it's a good winter coat, not a heavenly uniform. He kinda looks like he stepped off the cover of some men’s magazine. 

“Okay…” Cas says slowly, still examining Dean until he flushes under his laser gaze. “I hope you know I’m driving.” 

“But-” 

“What was it you said once, oh yes, my car, my rules,” Cas says smiling sweetly. “Let’s just say I now understand the sentiment.” 

“Smartass,” Dean says rolling his eyes. Cas shakes his head, leading Dean to the dark green truck he hid behind the cabin. 

With his back turned Dean hides his grin. It feels good to be able to make jokes with Cas again. 

Cas is in the grocery store when Dean man’s up and calls Sam. He knows that Sam is more than likely tracking Dean's journey. Dean's pretty sure his brother has come up with some cutesy ideas as to why he hasn't been called already. Dean knows it's going to break his brother's heart to know those ideas are wrong. This was not the loving reunion he knows Sam was picturing. Dean's here till he gets the roof fixed and that's it. He bites the bullet and picks up the phone. 

“Hey Sammy,” He says the moment the ringing stops. 

“He's still pissed at you, isn’t he?” Sam asks, reading Dean's tone. Dean breathes out a laugh. 

“Yeah, yeah, he is.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m just here till I fix the cabin roof.” 

“Why does Cas care about the roof?” Sam asks bewildered. Dean pictures the furrow in his brow. 

“He removed his grace,” Dean says voice shaking. "He said his was grace was fading remember, back in the hell-mouth." 

"Shit," Sam says softly, sounding guilty. "I didn't even notice." 

"You had other things on your mind man," Dean reassures him. Thinking of Rowena and the cocky demon wearing Jack's skin like a cheap suit. “Cas decided to remove it himself before he lost it completely. He says that by storing it, he can stop it from fading. Either way, he’s human and staying in a cabin with a hole in it.” 

“Why won’t he just come home?” Sam asks. 

Dean bites his lip. “Because Sam, Cas has found a new home.” 

Dean knew it the moment he saw the kittens, but it didn't hit him until he saw Cas in town. Cas knew the kid in the hardware store. Asking “Henry” about his grades and thanking him for helping them with the wood choices. When they were loading the lumber into the truck an older man had stopped to help. Telling Cas to stop by his diner when he had the chance. Even now Cas is open and friendly with the people he meets in the grocery store.

For a change, Dean's the one that doesn't fit in. He's the creep watching Cas through the grocery store’s window. Pining for something he has no right to want anymore. Cas no longer belongs in his world. 

“I think he's happy out here man, or at least as happy as he can be giving everything that happened.” 

“Well shit,” Sam mutters reeling from the news. Dean sighs letting them both mull over the news in the silence. 

“How long can you drag out fixing the roof?”

Dean laughs, “I’m not stalling the process, Sam. It's November, the snow will start soon and when it does, I don’t want Cas to get a cold.” 

“Cas can get colds now,” Sam says, almost to himself. He sounds as rattled as Dean feels. 

“Yeah, Cas is officially one of us.” Dean sighs, spotting Cas leave the store with a pile of groceries. “Look, Sammy, I've got to go, Cas is coming back. But I’ll have him call you tomorrow. ” 

“Okay,” Sam sighs, “For what it's worth, I’m sorry this happened to you, Dean. I know you wanted something different.” 

“It's my fault, Sam. The best I can do now is hope I can convince Cas to stay in touch after the roof is fixed.” 

“There's still time man. Don't give up hope just yet. Cas might change his mind. Stranger things have happened.” 

Dean rolls his eyes, “Yeah, whatever Sam.” He says ending the call before jumping out of the cab to help Cas with the groceries. 

“This is a lot of food for one dude Cas.” He says, taking one of the heavier bags. 

Cas snorts carefully placing the bags around pieces of lumber on the truck bed. “I know how much you eat Dean.” 

Dean flips him the bird, trying to ignore the way his stomach drops when Cas laughs. Dean's gonna miss him so much he already aches with it. He sighs, “We better get back and put this stuff away.” 

“Yeah, okay,” Cas says frowning at Dean. he gets into the truck and turns on the radio. They both pretend that’s the reason they aren't speaking to each other.

When they finally reach the cabin, the rain starts pounding against the windshield. “I’ll go and store the wood in the shed, you get the groceries inside,” Dean says, the second the truck stops. Cas doesn't argue sprinting into the rain and grabbing his things. 

Dean moves slower. Practically dragging his feet. The longer he drags this out the more time he has to spend with Cas. Eventually, he goes inside, Cas is sitting beside the stove. Throwing in a match and watching patiently as the paper catches. Dean makes himself useful and starts to put away the groceries. 

“Dean I’ve been thinking,” Cas says his face glowing in the flames. “You don't need to stay in the motel. The cabin is more yours than it is mine." 

Dean blinks and drops a bag on his foot. “Aw, fuck -” He winces, picking up the bag and a leaking pack of eggs. “- Okay, ignore that for now. Cas are you sure?” 

Cas rolls his eyes biting back a smile. “You bought all the supplies today Dean, even though I had the money. I know how much you and Sam realistically make, and I know it's stupid to force you to waste money out of spite.”

“It's not just because of spite Cas. You're mad at me.” 

“I know,” Cas says, not quite meeting Dean's eye as he takes the pack of eggs out of Dean's hands. When he opens the only one remains un-cracked. “But I’m trying not to be Dean.” 

Dean shakes his head. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable man.” 

“You won’t,” Cas says, tossing the pack in his trash and pulling out a tin of cat food from another bag. “Besides, it's only for a few days.” 

“Yeah, your right,” Dean says, grimacing at the egg yolk on his hand. He moves to the sink washing his hands. For a second he imagines the possibility of domestic bliss from both of them living in the same tight space. He also imagines Cas kicking him out the second he messes up. “What's the worst that could happen in a few days.” 

“Exactly,” Cas says unconvincingly. 

Dean sighs, looking around for a distraction from Cas's burning gaze. “Does the TV still work?” 

“Yes, actually it does,” Cas says moving back to his cat food and placing it on the ground. The kittens appear from Cas’s bedroom moving around his legs like waves before eating. Dean's stomach rumbles. Cas raises an eyebrow. “I also have an oven pizza.” 

“Okay,” Dean says turning on the TV. It's still a piece of shit, with an odd pink like tinge. But there's a cowboy movie marathon on. Cas sees the channel and smiles. The hours pass like old times. Cas still is confused by the historical inaccuracies. But he quotes John McLane almost in time with Dean. He also makes a damn good pizza. Dean thinks he could get used to seeing Cas eat. 

It's hard trying to ignore his thoughts from this morning. He suddenly aches for a life like this one. He wonders if he could ever blend into town as seamlessly as Cas seems to. He hadn’t been able to ignore the judgmental looks when he was at Lisa’s. For some reason, he doesn’t think it would matter out here. Not if Cas was by his side. 

When the movie ends Cas rises to his feet with a tired groan. "You should get some rest, I'm not sure how long it takes to fix a roof. But with winter setting in there are only a few hours of sunlight left. It might be best for you to get up early so you can get it finished. You probably don't want to leave Sam alone, for long." 

"Yeah, okay," Dean says, scrubbing his jaw. Trying not to be hurt by the reminder that Cas still wants him gone soon. "You sure you are okay if I take the couch?" 

"It’s fine," Cas says, walking under the tarp and kicking the mop bucket he has underneath it. He seems relieved that the roof will be getting fixed. Dean wonders what he would have done if he hadn't have come. Then he decides to stop thinking about what-ifs for the sake of his sanity. 

“Goodnight Dean,” Cas says, frowning slightly, before walking into the bedroom. 

Groaning Dean unlaces his boots, pulling out his old quilt from underneath the couch. Just where Dean had left it back when the cabin had bunk beds. Sam and Bobby had claimed them. Dean had unfortunately stayed on the couch due to his broken leg. Grabbing the quilt Dean strips down to his t-shirt and boxers, trying not to feel weird about being this naked in Cas's space. Lying down Dean discovers the couch is just as uncomfortable as he remembers. He rolls his eyes, knowing that fixing the roof is going to bitch tomorrow morning. It's only the sappy part of him that's happy about him staying here instead of his half-decent motel bed. From Cas's room, there's a snick and the lights go out. Leaving the cabin in darkness. 

Neither of them tries to speak again. The rain continues to hit the tarp, the soft patter eventually sending Dean into a restless sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are finally getting somewhere! Also, sit with me and picture off my mind playing just before Dean goes to bed and weep at this pining nonsense with me. I'm going to have a really busy week next week and the next chapter is only half-written so I can't promise an on-time update but I will have another one before Christmas and hopefully have this fic finished before my uni restarts in late January. Eagle-eyed readers will notice I added not one but two chapters to how many I plan to write because these dumb-dumbs are having a lot of feelings. I love all of you for reading and I will see you soon.


	6. Chapter Six -  Arms Unfolding (Dodie)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp its been a while. I'm sorry about that, Christmas is a wild time that continues into January for me. I'm just glad I got to write anything seasonal at all but that fun ficlet is probably why this is late. On the plus side I was legit crying while writing this chapter so buckle up buttercups.

Dean wakes up with something crushing his chest. Taking a desperate breath, he rolls over and almost falls onto the freezing floor. On his chest the thing moves, paws kneading into his ribs spitefully. Blinking awake Dean looks down at the small black kitten sitting on his diaphragm. Wide blue eyes regard's Dean for a second. Then the little things yowl's at Dean for not being a good enough bed.

"Good morning to you too, Spice." He says, voice thick with sleep.

"She seems to like you," Cas says from the kitchen with a soft chuckle. Picking the kitten up, her sharp claws digging into Dean's hand. Dean takes his time putting her down. Cas smiles at him from over the sofa. Cas hides a smile from the kitchen. 

Dean swallows roughly. "Demons glare at me less, Cas," He says, rubbing a hand through his hair. Cas rolls his eyes. "Time’s ‘it anyway?" 

"It’s almost 9," Cas says, walking over to the sofa to give Dean a cup of coffee.

Blinking in surprise takes the mug cradling it in his palms like it’s something precious. "Thanks, Cas," He says, voice softer than he'd like.

It's dark and sweet, just the way he likes it. He swallows it down fast enough that it scalds his throat. The pain only goes so far to ease his guilt. Even when he's pissed as hell at Dean, Cas still showed him kindness. Because even if he is angry, Cas is a decent person. Deans hasn't felt this shitty about himself in a while.

“Your welcome Dean,” Cas says unconcerned by the gesture, they're eyes meet. The magnetic pull that's always been between them strengthens. Then the toast pops up from the toaster. Cas clears his throat flushing a little. "So, about the roof -"

"Yeah?" Dean asks sitting up and biting his lip. He's still terrified Cas is going to see sense and make Dean go back to the motel. Which might happen if Cas tries to go up on the roof without his shot first.

"I got a message from my boss this morning," Cas says scratching the back of his head and ruffling his hair. Cas's hair has always been a bit fucked up but it's still weird to see Cas with a genuine bedhead. Dean's fingers itch to fix it. He drinks more coffee instead. "One of the drivers is sick, and she needs me to cover. So I won't be able to help you today."

"Oh," Dean says, placing down his cup. He's a little disappointed he won't get to see Cas as much today, but this is the safer option. Dean still doesn't know if he can hold off nagging the guy about construction safety. If he did that, there's a chance Cas might push him off the roof. "That's okay man. I'll be fine."

Cas narrows his eyes squinting at Dean as he butters the toast. "If you do anything stupid, like fall of the roof for example or freeze to death. Just remember I can't heal you anymore."

"I'll be fine Cas." Dean says jumping to his feet. "I'll get right on that as soon as I get a shower and -" Looking down, Dean realizes he's still dressed in just his shirt and boxers. Cas's eyes are locked somewhere below Dean's waist. "- get pants." He finishes lamely. Face hot. 

"If you must," Cas mumbles still looking below Deans face. His cheeks are pink.

Unfortunately, Deans are pinker. Picking up his duffle from where he put it last night, he flashes Cas some teeth. Then bolts to the bathroom in embarrassment banging his head against the door. All of this would be so much easier if Dean hadn't seen the spark of desire in Cas's eyes. He tries not to think about that spark as he gets into the cold shower.

Over time Dean and Cas eventually find a pattern.

For three days Cas goes to work, and Dean fixes the roof until it gets dark. On their first day of cohabitation, Cas returns with a handmade set off a hat and gloves. Apparently, it's one of the many gifts Cas receives for helping the little old ladies of Whitefish. He glares at Dean the next morning till he puts them on. So, Dean makes roof repairs in a red knit hat before making them dinner because he's determined to be helpful. Usually, Cas will thank him and tell Dean about his day, sometimes its stories about his clients lives. Other times he spends hours ranting about the American health system.

It's a strange stalemate that they've fallen into. Dean has always been grumpy in the mornings. A fact Cas learnt when he woke Dean up at 6 am and got himself shot during the apocalypse. But out here he forces himself to be chipper. He doesn't get mad at Cas being kind of a slob. Because the guy is always leaving his clothes on the floor and dirty dishes in the sink. Every time it happens Dean's eyes twitch, but he doesn't yell. Terrified of starting one fight and that being it. He still wants the option of seeing Cas when all this is over. So, Dean is holding his tongue.

He gets the sense Cas is doing something similar when he rolls his eyes at Dean watching a telenovela. It’s clear five minutes in that Cas hates it but he doesn't say anything. Instead, he picks up a dark notebook and doodles. He doodles a lot now that he's human. Dean's desperate to see what he's doing bit he's not invading Cas's privacy like that. They are both walking on eggshells around each other. It's something they've never done before. Its pissing Dean off more than he would like.

He tries to hammer out all the tension into his roof repair. He told Sam he wasn't going to stall, and he meant that. But he's also not doing a rush job, for precision's sake Dean is taking his time. The initial hole is already repaired but Deans found some other spots on the second day. Cas said nothing when Dean told him he was going to stick around till he fixed those as well. Dean hopes that means he's okay with it, instead of just biting his tongue.

As for the other kind of tension, Dean quickly gets over feeling guilty about jerking off in Cas's shower. It's not his fault that former angels have no concept of modesty. Cas is constantly coming out of the bathroom with just a towel on. Or worse getting ready for work with the door open. It’s a trial on Deans sanity. Especially when he sees the dark lines of Cas's tattoo without an injury surrounding it. Deans come more than once thinking about tracing that spot with his hands. His mouth wrapped around Cas's dick.

It's not a new fantasy, but Dean can't help himself from thinking about it now. It had been so easy — far too easy — to pretend that Cas wouldn't want him as an angel. Sure, they shared a few lingering looks here and there. And okay there was that time Dean was like, 60% sure he heard Cas jerk off in purgatory. And sure, Gabriel existed. But it helped Dean not do anything stupid if he thought angels wouldn't be interested in things like that. Without the heavenly barrier surrounding him. Dean notices that Cas eats and sweats and sleeps. He's touchable now and Dean aches to touch. If Cas wasn't still clearly mad at him Deans pretty sure his horny little brain would have jumped the guy.

But Cas is still so obviously mad at him. It's there in all their awkward silences. How neither of them brings up their shared past. How they mostly act like their fight never happened. It's frustrating as fuck. The closest they’ve come to bringing it up was when Sam called Cas yesterday. Cas had gone outside for hours to take the call. Leaving Dean alone to stew. When he eventually returned, he went to bed early. Leaving his dinner untouched. Dean doesn’t know if hearing from Sam brought all the memories back for Cas. But up until this point Cas had managed to never say Jacks name. Then last night Dean had woken up and to Cas shouting it out in his sleep. Dean didn't get any sleep after that.

Its this very reason that Deans both dreading and excited for today. With Cas at work and Dean on the roof, both of them are too exhausted to really speak to each other never mind fight. But before talking to Sam, Cas had proudly told that he stopped at the clinic for his tetanus shot. He also told Dean that he was helping today, no matter what Dean said. It’ll be the first time they’ve spent the day together since Dean moved in.

Dean hadn't argued with Cas about help. But he is biting his nails as Cas climbs up the ladder. He's still terrified that Cas is going to die now that he's human. Not that being, an angel, saved him last time. Dean wonders if they should ever talk about how badly that fucked him up. Even though he knows he probably never will.

All these years, Deans always believed Cas was his best friend. That he shared a part of himself with Cas that no one — not even Sam — got to see. It's only taking him a few days with the guy for him to realise that was bullshit. There are so many secrets between them and Dean doesn’t know how to start unravelling them. He’s not even sure if he wants to. He wonders if they talked about those things, would their relationship be better or worse.

"You've done a lot of work up here," Cas says, unaware of Deans thought process.

"Yeah, it’s pretty good isn't," Dean says, shaking his head. Fuck lack of sleep for making him so maudlin. "I think we're just sealing and painting today."

"Okay," Cas says, biting his lip. Like Dean, he's wearing a homemade hat in green instead of red. He looks like a dork with it on. Dean tries everything not to stare at him like some lovesick fool.

He starts passing Cas up some paint buckets. Shaking his head when he finds the kittens sitting in the paint tray.

"Hate to tell you little guys, but that trays not for you." Pumpkin blinks at him, scratching behind her ears with her paw. Spice just glares. She glares at Dean a lot for such a small creature. She seems to hate him more than Cas does. Dean still hasn't been allowed to pet her yet.

"Leave them be Dean. We can use the pots," Cas says peering down at him from over the roof.

Dean rolls his eyes. "You spoil them." He says, hooking the last pot through his fingers and climbing the ladder.

The roof does look pretty good now that Deans nearly finished. Almost all the old shingles have been replaced, the rot treated, and weeds removed. If it wasn't for the discolouration between the original structure and the new pieces. Dean would think the whole thing was brand new.

"Let's get to work," Dean says bumping Cas's shoulder.

Cas glares at him for the gesture, pulling at his hat till it covers his ears. Dean looks away and cracks open the caulking compound. "We need to put this between the gaps. It'll stop water from getting in."

"Okay," Cas says, nodding seriously as he grabs a paintbrush. He begins to apply a thick layer of the paste to the gaps between shingles. Up close its more obvious that Dean cut the pieces himself instead of a machine. They aren't as even as the original roof had been, but it adds a certain charm. Or at least, that's what Deans going to tell Cas if he calls Dean out on it.

"Before this weekend I never knew you worked in construction never mind that you were good at it." Cas says, softly the cold winter air adding a flush to his cheeks.

Dean shrugs. "Dad used to have to do odd jobs when we were kids. Sometimes he was a handyman or a mechanic. Think he's gotten us out of more than one overdue motel bill by fixing something that was fucked up. He eventually taught me and Sam bits and pieces. I mean it's not like we could call maintenance if the sink broke. They'd call social services the second they realised that it was just two kids living there."

"Did your father leave you alone like that a lot?" Cas asks frowning at his work. Dean sighs.

"Yeah, but it's not like I win the lottery for absent fathers."

Remarkably Cas laughs, "No you’re not. Although I realise now that manipulative might be a better word than absent. If I knew Chuck was like this. If I knew what he was, maybe I could have -"

"Stopped him?" Dean asks, eyes wide. "C'mon Cas, this is God. None of us had a chance in hell of stopping him. If it wasn't for Jacks honesty gambit. I doubt we would have ever learnt that Chuck was something that needed to be stopped. And that was all because Jack was a good kid who was tired of lies.” As predicted Cas flinches the second Dean says Jacks name. Dean closes his eyes and sighs. "I wish I could have apologised to him."

"It wouldn't have mattered." Cas sighs, shaking his head. "Jack was practically soulless Dean, Chuck made him that way for a reason. I'm not sure he would have even understood what your apology meant."

"I should have fought harder to get his soul back, instead of jumping straight to murder. I was just so... angry."

"You were grieving," Cas says focusing very hard on calking.

"Are you defending me? You of all people?" Dean yells throwing down his brush down and turning to face the forest. He can't concentrate on roof repair right now. Cas sighs doing the same thing. "Why?"

Cas laughs brokenly. It's an awful sound. "I don't know. If you had killed Jack, I don't think I could have ever forgiven you." He sighs, "But I almost killed Sam once and you forgave me."

"That was different Cas you we're trying to save the world."

"So, we're you," Cas says shrugging sadly. "I wish you had listened to me or at least trusted me. But I know it wasn't just revenge that sent you after Jack, Dean. You genuinely believed that if he could hurt Mary, he could have hurt anyone."

"I was still pissed at him. I still put a gun to his head. Sam almost killed Bobby, and I didn't jump to that."

"Sam didn't have the powers of a God Dean. If his soul was intact, I know Jack would have understood where you were coming from."

"And do you understand?" Dean asks because even though the answer terrifies him. He needs to know. "Do you know why I went after Jack that day."

"Chuck lead you to believe that Jack would end the world, Dean," Cas says, turning to face Dean. "I was mad at you, but I understood that part. I just can't understand what happened after that. I've been trying but I can't."

"That's because it doesn't make fucking sense!" Dean yells so fucking mad at himself it hurts. "I knew you wouldn't kill Belphegor if you didn't have a good reason. I know you were just doing your best but every time I looked at you all I could see was Chuck. All I could think was that everything was a lie. That my whole life was a fucking lie. I mean there was no way you were on my side. There was no way an angel would do what you did for me. There was no way... No fucking way you could have loved me." Dean sobs out that last part, feeling like it's been torn from his very soul.

It's the first time either one of them has openly addressed what's between them and Dean can’t handle it. He shakes his head and vaults to his feet. Barely paying attention as he races down the ladder Cas calling his name from the roof.

He almost goes to his car, but he can't drive like this. His hands are fucking shaking. Dean throws off his dumb fucking hat and storms into the woods. Walking and walking until he's thoroughly lost. He doesn't know if Cas is coming after him. He doesn't even know if he wants him too. Eventually, Dean stops to breathe and let it all sink in. Then he looks down at the small axe he placed on his the belt. It's a small axe, mean from chopping up the slats. Dean brings it out and starts hacking the first tree he sees.

"Fuck!" he grits out hitting the bark again and again and again until his arms ache.

"I always knew you were a lumberjack," Cas says, from behind him.

Dean closes his eyes and steps back from the tree. Starting at the small hole he left in the pines centre. Dean looks up at the sky instead of turning to face Cas. He doesn't know what other dumb stuff he'll admit to if he looks at the guy. 

"I don't think Chuck has ever controlled me." Cas assures him, "At least not this century and even if he was Dean I know that my feelings for you, they can't be faked."

"How do you know?" Dean asks a tear running down his face. "How can you prove that all of this isn't him still messing with us."

"We'll never know Dean," Cas says placing his hand on Deans shoulder. "But I have faith."

Dean shakes his head, turning in Cas's hold. His eyes are so fucking blue, even with tears in them. "In what Cas? Free will?"

Cas shakes his head. "Partially. But I have faith in us Dean. Far more faith than I've ever had in what Chuck has to say."

Dean sniffs, holding back tears. He hasn't cried this much since Cas died. "Just so you know, the feelings mutual." He says not quite meeting Cas eyes.

Cas's thumb brushes away one of Deans tears. "I know." He says softly.

"That doesn't make any of this any easier does it," Dean asks, shaking.

Cas sighs resting his forehead against Deans. "It doesn't." He says, taking a shaky breath. "But..."

"But?" Dean asks placing a hand on Cas's neck. His fingers stroking against the grain of Cas's beard.

"There's supposed to be a snowstorm next week. The cabin could use some storm prep. I could use you around here for a couple more days."

"Okay," Dean sighs, relaxing a little in Cas's hold. He's not sure what's happening exactly but he'll take Cas in any way he can get. "Okay Cas, I'll stay."

Cas says nothing. They stay like that for a long time, foreheads touching in the woods. Neither of them risks going any farther. For probably the first time in his life, Dean lets his anger go.


	7. Chapter Seven - I found (Amber Run)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know its a little late. I still had to edit and make the art for this chapter but I was up until 4 am crying about Destiel. Because boy were we well-fed last night.

Dean ends up fixing the rest of the roof himself. Cas offering to give him some space before they eat lunch together. It should feel more awkward, eating food with Cas after what they just admitted but Dean just feels numb to it. There's something raw about them now. Like a wound that's not quite healed. Dean doesn't know what will fix it completely. Or if it ever will. But Dean thinks he's close to getting his best friend back. Even if it means, for now, they are avoiding the bigger issues.

"I'm going to head into town in a bit," Dean says watching the snowfall out the window. It's a gentle flurry for now, barely enough to dust the porch but it’s only the beginning of what they are waiting for. "I couldn't find any cracks in the cabin but just in case we need to get some insulation blankets. I should probably stock up on some food too. Who knows how long we're going to be stuck up here."

"Okay," Cas says setting the wood burner up for the day. Dean can already tell that things going become his new best friend.

He sticks his hands in his pockets, watching Cas's face carefully. "You could come with me if you want? We might need the truck to get a few things."

Cas blinks, his eyes wandering past Dean to look at something over his shoulder. He bites his lip, "I think I'm better off staying here. Getting the fire ready and all. You can just take the truck." He says. He won't meet Deans eye.

"Alright if you’re sure," Dean says, after a pause. Trying not to feel to stung. Cas probably needs his space after Deans breakdown. Still, Dean ends up stalling, writing a list of what he needs to get and checking it more than once. Waiting to see if Cas will change his mind. Cas doesn’t look at him once. He gets the fire lit and unearths a different notebook from the one Deans gotten used to seeing him with. There are soot stains on the cover. Dean squints at it before he forces himself to leave.

He's got no reason to be suspicious. He's probably just wrung out and it's making him paranoid. Cas wasn't acting weird, right? Right. Dean rolls his eyes at his brain before starting up the truck.

The stores are a crapshoot. Cas it seems isn't the only last-minute prepper. It seems like half the Whitefish population is out getting gear. With the size of the queues, Dean ends up driving back far later than he would have liked. The truck bed filled with canned food, bottled water and insulation. He picks up a few bags, the plastic digging into his fingers as he lumbers up the stairs.

"Cas?" Dean says, into the kitchen. Blinking when he realises its empty. The back bedroom is also a Cas free zone and the bathroom doors unlocked. Dean frowns down at the kittens are curled up on the sofa together. Noting the places their owner is not.

He tries not to panic. Cas could have gotten called into work. But Dean had his truck. And the Impala is still parked where Dean left her. Cas would have said something if there was a monster in the woods. But it’s possible something grabbed him that he didn't know about. Chuck could have fucking come back and got him for Christ’s sake. Dean forces himself to breathe, refusing to spiral as he pulls out his phone to call the bastard. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a light coming from the basement.

Sighing in relief Dean walks down the basement stairs and freezes in his tracks.

Cas is standing at a makeshift altar. His eyes glowing an angelic blue. In his hand, the same blue light burns, lighting up a dark sigil on his chest. He's chanting something from an old book. The pages, whipping back and forth before they catch. The corners going up in smoke. From behind Cas's back, black tentacles start to climb up the walls. Writhing limbs that seem to arch into a doorway.

"Cas look out!" Dean snaps, lunging for one of Bobby's old rifles as the tentacle-like thing reaches for Cas.

Cas looks up, his eyes burning blue. It’s the most inhuman he's looked in years. Dean takes a shot. Hitting the centre of the black mass just once as it writhes. Cas's stop glowing, the pages going out in a sudden gust of wind. With a horrible wail, the black goo recedes into the walls and Cas slumps over his spellbook.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Dean snaps, throwing down the gun as he rushes to Cas's side.

Cas blinks, dazed, blood dripping from his nose. "I can explain," he croaks, as he falls into Deans side.

Dean grits his teeth, pulling Cas in around the waist before marching them up the stairs. The entire basement smells like rotten fruit. Cas groans as Dean drops him onto the couch, scaring the sleeping kittens who scurry to the floor.

Dean glares at Cas resisting the urge to start pacing. "Cas what the fuck was that thing?"

Cas sighs swiping at the blood under his nose. He looks at the stain on his clothes instead of at Dean. "That was the closest I've gotten to summoning the Empty."

"The Empty," Dean repeats rage sparking to life inside him. Here he was thinking that they had finally gotten over their collective bullshit and yet Cas is here. Going behind Dean's back to end up in some potentially suicidal bullshit. "Why were you trying to summon the Goddamn Empty!"

Cas's shoulders slump, "I was trying to get Jack back."

"So, what you thought you'd summon some mystical entity to come to help you out. What the fuck man?"

"No," Cas bites back, finally looking up at Dean. "You do not get to judge me, Dean Winchester. Not after everything you've ever done for Sam."

Being called out like that should take the wind out his sails. But instead, it just makes Dean angrier. He vividly remembers how badly those situations worked out for him. "Yeah Cas I did, and I wound up in fucking Hell. I'm not losing you to the Empty again."

"You don't understand Dean," Cas says, his hands shaking. Dean sighs.

"Cas of course I understand, I miss the kid. I miss him so much. But you should have told me what you were doing I could have helped. You can't keep going behind my back man. Not after everything we've been through."

"I was worried you'd try and talk me out of it," Cas says, shaking.

"So what? Did you think going behind my back would make it easier? C'mon man, you're smarter than that." Dean says rolling his eyes. Cas looks away, rolling the necklace carrying his grace between his palms. "You're still hiding something from me, aren't you?"

Cas flinches, proving Dean right without a single fucking word. "Godammit Castiel! I thought we were trying to get past this."

"I can't get past this!" Cas yells, his voice cracking. "I tried to mourn him, to put him to rest but I can't Dean. He's my child."

"I know Cas. But you can't just keep putting your life on the line and hoping everything will work out okay."

"My life was already on the line." Cas snaps, getting to his feet so he can look Dean in the eye. "I made a deal with it."

"You did what?" Dean swallows, his heart pounding.

"When I went to look for Jack in Heaven the Empty was searching for him as well. It wouldn't give Jack back to me, so I made a deal."

"What kind of deal?" Dean asks his voice shaking. He realises far too late that it's not anger he's feeling. It's fear.

"The Empty would come for me when I was truly happy. It was angry I got away from it. It wanted revenge."

"It threw you out!" Dean snaps somewhat absurdly. He can't do this again. He can't lose Cas again. He barely survived the last time. "Why wouldn't you tell me about this?"

"Because I was worried you would act like this." Cas snaps, scrubbing his jaw. "I wasn't like it was hard choice to make Dean. Jack was my son, and it’s not like our lives have had many happy moments."

Dean blinks, looking Cas over with new knowledge. "Is that why you've been holding back so much."

"Partially," Cas admits before he shakes his head. "At least it was before Jack died. Now with Jack dead and my grace removed I doubt the Empty would be able to take me. Even if it wanted to. The Empty isn't equipped to hold human souls."

"So why summon it?" Dean asks, still reeling. He's thinking about all those times their little family hunted together. About how Cas would leave right after Dean got too close to him.

"I thought maybe if I gave it my grace, the Empty could hold up its end of the deal and I could get Jack back again." Cas sighs, clutching the bottle of his grace tightly. "I thought maybe with Jack back we could save the world."

Cas -" Dean starts, tempering his anger. "I can't keep doing this. I'm so tired of dealing with this stuff."

"Doing what Dean?" Cas asks, blinking back tears. "Are you tired of dealing with me."

“God no.” Dean sighs walking up to Cas and grabbing his shaking hands. "You're it for me Cas, you have to know that by now."

Cas blinks at their joint hand in shock and opens his mouth. Dean shakes his head, silencing him. "I'm tired of us always yelling at each other. I'm tired of keeping secrets and hurting each other. I mean, I let you think you we're a danger instead of just telling you about Gadreel. I let you think I hated you instead of telling you why I was scared of Chucks plans. I can't keep pushing you away when I'm scared Cas. I know that now."

He squeezes Cas hands tight once again, before dropping them. "But I need you to start being honest with me man. I need you to tell me what's going on with you an what your planning or I'm done Cas. I can't do this if you keep hiding from me."

"That's fair," Cas sighs, his shoulders relaxing.

"I'm not used to opening up." He says like Dean wasn't aware of the obvious. "I spent so long leading a garrison, keeping every treasonous doubt buried. I've never had anyone I could trust before I met you and your brother. I forget sometimes that I can tell you about my doubts and my plans and you won't cast me away."

"I mean I'll probably veto a few of them," Dean says, trying to force a laugh that sounds more like he got punched in the gut.

"Okay," Cas says smiling softly. "Then you should know I won't give up on Jack."

"Cas -"

"No Dean I can't give up on him," Cas says, a frown forming in his brow.

"You always were a stubborn bastard," Dean says shaking his head in awe. "Okay, what's the plan?"

Cas blinks in surprise. "You want to hear my plan?"

"Yes..." Dean says, shrugging. “Look I think you're right about the world needing Jack back."

"Why?" Cas asks, tilting his head in the way Dean has always found adorable.

Dean sighs, "While we were hunting, I've been noticing some stuff. Werewolf brothers who were fighting about a family tradition. A witch who killed her sister for the greater good. Not to mention Becky Rosen’s gone missing."

"Who's Becky Rosen?"

"She was Chuck's ex-girlfriend. She and Sam have a colourful history, to say the least. But we thought we'd call her up to see if she heard anything about the guy and she was gone. Her whole family have been missing for weeks. Between that and the not so subtle parallels with siblings, it's like Chuck hasn't really left."

"I've felt it too," Cas admits, not quite meeting Deans eye. "Before coming here, I met a Djinn that reminded me of Chuck. I thought I was just angry but now I'm wondering if it was some kind of ... foreshadowing."

"Got to love a writer when it comes to theatrics." Dean sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. "Anyway, our talk this morning got me thinking. Chuck wanted Jack dead and when I wouldn't do it, he did it himself. He wanted Jack gone for a reason, man. I think he saw Jack as a threat."

"So we bring him back," Cas says before his shoulders start slumping. "Dean I've searched every book I can find but I can't get the Empty to open for me. Maybe my plans just don't work."

"Cas it's no secret that I don’t like your plans, right? But I don’t think Chuck liked them either,” Dean says, smiling at Cas softly. He always hated it when Cas lost hope. "After you left, I started to try and reason with my brain. I tried to think of moments where it was obvious you wouldn't betray me. And I was thinking about the apocalypse and why Chuck didn't just end everything then. But then I realised he probably would have if you didn't surprise him."

“I'm not sure that's accurate Dean."

"No, listen to me for a sec. You changed your mind about me. You decided to help me, and we went to see Chuck, right?" Dean asks, finally giving voice to something that's been bugging him for months. "I mean we showed up at his house and he said, __"you're not supposed to be here". __He could have been faking it, but I think we genuinely did surprise him. I don’t think he ever expected you to rebel Cas. Sometimes I think he might be scared of you.”

“Of me?” Cas says raising an eyebrow. Not looking very impressed. Dean resists the urge to shake his shoulders.

“Well, you did try to take over his job that one time.”

"You're being ridiculous Dean," Cas says pushing Dean's shoulder, clearly fighting a smile. Dean wonders if it's weird that they’ve got to a place that they can joke about this kind of thing.

“If I keep messing up his plans, then why did he keep bringing me back?”

“Maybe he was trying to fix you." Dean shrugs, "I mean he did rebuild you, maybe he was trying to make you follow his plans or something. I don’t know Cas, it's just a theory."

“I don’t know if it’s a very accurate theory I’m sure he has still manipulated me at times.”

"That’s not my point,” Dean licks his lips, watching as Cas's gaze lingers and fights a smile. Now is not the time. Not when Deans trying to get Cas to stop being dumb and believe in himself. “What I’m trying to say is if you can’t find something in the books. Chances are no one’s come up with an idea yet. Whatever idea you have its probably the best chance we've got.”

Cas frowns, “You don’t like my ideas.”

“Let's see your ideas usually involve you taking on archangels by yourself. Carving sigils into every available surface, including your skin. Facing cosmic consequences because a reaper threatened me and adopting Satan's baby.” Dean says smiling despite himself. “The reason I hate them is because you always end up getting hurt Cas. That doesn't mean they aren't awesome. Just try something a little less risky this time.”

“A lot of those ideas backfired,” Cas says, smiling a little in return. Hope blooming to life in his eyes.

Dean sighs, “And yet we’re still here.”

“So, you no longer think I’m the reason everything goes wrong,” Cas asks, then immediately pales. Like he didn't actually mean to say that.

“Cas -” Dean sighs before walking into his space again. “I never should have said that. I wish I could blame what I said on Chuck, but it was me and it was fucked up. We’ve both fucked a lot of things up, but I can't keep saying I want free will then be mad at you for using yours. Especially when you’re just trying to do the right thing. It's not going to work anymore.”

Dean sighs giving into the urge to touch and reaches out until he’s cupping Cas jaw. “I believe in you Cas.” He says stroking his thumb lightly down Cas’s cheek. “I know you're going to get Jack back and I want to help you with this. I won't let Chuck or the Empty or even my dumb ass take you away from me. I want us to do this together because even though you piss me off with this dumb self-sacrifice crap, I still love you."

"Dean -" Cas gasps gripping Deans forearm. Dean presses harder against his jaw. Forcing Cas to meet his gaze. To see how honest Deans being right now.

"I know it won't be easy Cas. I know you might need some space and that you might not feel the same way -" Deans says leaning his forehead against Cas's. An echo of how Cas held him in the woods. "But I want to be there for you. In any way you'll have me. Just let me help you with this. Let me help you get Jack back.”

Cas kisses him, soft and fierce as he tears Deans world apart.

"Okay," Cas says pulling back only for Dean to reach out and kiss him again. Already addicted to how Cas tastes.

"We're going to win Cas," Dean promises into his mouth. Sighing lightly as Cas nods and pulls him closer.

Outside the snow continues to fall and Chuck is probably causing havoc but in here Cas's mouth is warm. His skin is soft and Dean melts into him. Content to ignore the world in Cas’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They finally did the thing. I was cackling this whole time at the comments being like can't wait for the snowstorm to bring them together. Meanwhile, I was standing knowing that no it wouldn't be the storm it would be there freaking words. However, that storm will hit the next chapter and with it comes smut. Your welcome.
> 
> I feel so bad now cause Cas forgave Dean so quickly and so softly in that episode and I've left you all in suspense for this long. Also yes as they were talking last night I was nodding and occasionally going I wrote some of these words ???? Are we this fortunate. It was a rollercoaster.


	8. Chapter 8: Work Song (Hozier)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all I am so fucking sorry this took so long.
> 
> I'm not going to lie I hit a wall with this fic, I got the angst finished and my brain went well now what?? Like I know how this fic is ending the last five chapters are set in stone and planned out but this one and the next we're more blah blah blah fluff. And after all that angst my brain wasn't sure how to make the switch. However I think I got the hang of it now so hopefully, I'll be back to updating properly and have this fic finished before the series at least, hahaha.

Kissing Castiel soon becomes intoxicating. Deans not ashamed to admit that he's dreamed of this moment often enough. He’s wasted so much time picturing the feeling of Cas's lips. Imagining what it would be like to kiss him over and over again. Sometimes Dean pictured Cas as naive, Dean guiding him into the movements. Other times - usually after a fight - he pictured Cas kissing him like he kissed Meg all those years ago. Rough and aggressive the kind of all-consuming hurricane Cas has beneath his skin. 

It's a shock to his system that Cas kisses like nothing he ever imagined. Cas holds Dean close, his mouth soft and lush against Dean's own. Planting long indulgent kisses to his lips before biting along Deans jaw. Dean sighs into it, feeling cherished and adored under Cas's ministrations. 

Cas isn't fumbling and there's no anger. There is  just  heat and want and love. Deans addicted to it already. Thumbing a line along Deans jaw Cas tilts his head and claims his mouth. Groaning into it as Dean tightens his hands int Cas's shirt, keeping him nice close. 

"Dean I want -" Cas gasps, cutting himself off to sigh as Dean kisses along his neck. 

"What do you want?" Dean asks, biting down  lightly  against Cas’s stubbled throat. His lips tingling with the burn. 

Cas swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing against Dean's lips. His hands tightening on Dean's shoulder. "You." He breathes out, soft and aching with want. "Fuck Dean I've wanted you for so long."

Dean groans, kissing Cas  desperately  again. Their teeth clacking together, noses bumping as Dean tries to do a million things at once. It's been years since Deans been with a man but he's missed it. He's missed  being held  down and fucked. He’s missed opening someone up and sliding his dick in. His jaw aches with the faded memory of sucking cock. He sighs into Cas's skin pushing at his half-open shirt. "Naked," Dean pants, more turned on than he's ever been in his entire life. "Need to get you naked Cas." 

Cas swallows a broken noise. Releasing his grip on Dean's shoulders, and pushes him until Dean's legs hit the couch. Cas starts scrambling with the buttons of Deans flannel. While Dean tries to do the same thing with Cas's. The black paint of the weird sigil flaking off Cas's chest as Dean snaps the button's open. The second Dean's free from his shirt Cas pushes him again. Dean lets himself sink into the couch. Cas straddling him and kissing Dean  desperately. 

Dean groans, grabbling at the clammy skin of Cas's back to pull him in closer until their hips align. "Dean," Cas sighs, rolling his hips down so his dick riding against Dean's. his hands wrapped  tightly  around Deans neck. 

For a second their eyes meet, and the full weight of what's happening hits Dean like a punch to a gut. He lifts his hand from Cas's waist to grab Cas's jaw. Cradling it in his hands as he meets that laser gaze that's always stripped him bare. 

"Fuck I love you." Dean exhales, feeling all at once relieved and completely overwhelmed. 

Cas's smile is like seeing the sun after the worst of storms. He nuzzles against Dean's palm, kissing  gently  at his scarred lifeline. "I love you too." He says before kissing Dean again. 

Dean sighs into it pulling Cas closer as their hips begin to roll. Their breath getting hotter and faster as they pant against each other’s skin. Dean finally gets to trace his hands over Cas's ribs. Stroking across that tattoo that’s been driving him insane for days. Cas arches into his hands, mouthing along Deans collarbone and nipping at pieces of skin. His hands a warm and massive behind Dean's neck. 

"A long time ago, I breathed life into your lungs," Cas says, kissing along Deans chest. "I gathered all the infinite parts of the universe that made you a man and I melded them together. Atom by atom. Then I cradled your soul and lowered it into your skin. I felt you come alive under my hands and since then I only ever ached to touch you." 

"Fuck." Dean groans, biting his lip as he pulls at Cas's belt. The bastard can't  just  say things like that and then come in his pants. Dean wants this to be good for him. He wants this moment to be worth pissing around for ten years.

"Your the best thing that ever happened to me Cas," Dean says. Grabbing Cas's waist and flipping them over so Cas is lying back against the couch. Cas blinks up at Dean wide-eyed and Dean leans down kissing him  softly. "Even when I am mad at you, even when we fight again about something dumb I want you to remember that. I regret a lot about my life Cas but not once have I ever regretted meeting you." Cas kisses Dean again locking his legs around Deans waist as he devours Deans mouth. Like he’s trying to consume the words Dean  just  said. His hands wrestling with Deans belt buckle. 

Talking becomes irrelevant after that. They don't need words. Not when Cas can pull down Deans pants and stoke him tight and rough as Dean gasps against his jaw. Returning the favour, Dean pulls Cas out of his shorts gripping him tight as they get each other off. It’s not the fanciest way of fucking. Neither of them is all the way naked and the couch creaks with every thrust. Dean wouldn't have it any other way. Not when Cas comes, moaning  loudly  in Dean's ear. Shaking through the aftershocks as Dean falls over the edge with him. Panting and sighing they sink into the couch. 

It only takes Dean five seconds before he burst's out laughing. "Holy fuck why haven't we been doing that for years." He says, breathless. 

Cas snorts into Deans collarbone. His beard scratching  pleasantly  against Deans skin. "Well I don't know if you noticed but we are both a bit repressed."

Dean giggles nuzzling into Cas's hair, smelling his tea tree shampoo and human sweat. It's already going grey around the temples. Cas groans sitting up from Dean's chest, his spine popping. "This couch is horrible." He whines. 

"Yeah, I've noticed." 

Cas rolls his eyes, slapping Deans bare hip. "We should shower." 

Dean yawns sinking further into the cushions. "Or we could nap." 

"We are sticky and I refuse to go into my bed with semen on my skin Dean. I  just  cleaned the sheets." 

Dean snorts, "Cas we're  probably  going to get them messy no matter what. Unless your telling me what  just  happened is only going to happen on the couch." 

"Stop being lazy Dean," Cas says, squinting like he's trying to see what he ever saw in Dean in the first place. It’s adorable how hard he tries to be grumpy sometimes. 

Dean sighs, rubbing his head as he sits up beside Cas. His pants falling around his ankles. He shakes them off. Following Cas into the bathroom. Where the impatient bastard has already turned on the shower. Deans so in love with him it hurts. He wraps his arms around Cas's thick waist, kissing the back of his neck. "I had no idea you were this beefy under the trench coat." 

Cas snorts, grabbing Deans wandering hands and pulling him into the spray. "Muscles can still form when we are in our vessels, especially when there's less grace acting as a barrier. I haven't been a  fully  charged angel for a long time, but up until recently, I have been hunting." He says, grabbing the shampoo and pouring it into his hands. "I  just  haven't needed to eat in as many greasy spoons as you have."

Dean pouts down at his love handles. "I can't tell if that was you answering my question, you being sarcastic or you saying I got to eat less grease."

Cas shakes his head, rubbing the shampoo through Deans hair. " Honestly  I can't tell either. Though Sam's right about you eating vegetables every now and then. I no longer have my grace to fix your colostral." 

"Can you not mention my brother when you’re all wet and naked. It’s ruining a fantasy I've had for years." Dean says rising his hair. Already knowing he's going to eat  however  many vegetables Cas wants.  Just  as long as he keeps smiling at Dean like that. 

"Years?" Cas asks, leaning into Dean’s hands as he begins to rub a bar of soap down his skin. 

"Almost a decade," Dean admits  softly, cleaning of the black symbol on Cas's chest. It looks familiar even though Dean has never seen it before. 

"What does this symbol mean?" 

"It’s one of the many ways to write my name in Enochian. It should allow the Empty to know who's calling it. Although I haven't had a lot of success." 

"Why is that anyway?" Dean asks exchanging the bar of soap for Cas's shampoo. "I thought Nick got pretty close to summoning Lucifer."

Cas hums under his breath massaging Deans shoulders till he's fighting a groan. Its been far too long since Deans showered with someone. He didn't realise how much he missed it. "Nick was summoning an angel to earth. Similar, to how Jack reached out and summoned me. The doorway he created was only connected to Lucifer. Lucifer was able to go through it because he already was on earth. As far as I know, the Empty has never been on earth, much less summoned to it."

"I'm breaking my own rule here but I'll call Sam tomorrow. He's been wanting to go to Rowena's place for a while and see what spellbooks she has lying around. He might be able to find you something." 

"You’re  really  not going to argue with my plan are you?" Cas asks, almost awed. Dean hates the fact he's dashed Cas's hope so often. He never wants to do it again. 

He kisses Cas's forehead. "No Cas I'm not." He says biting his lip. "We're going to get Jack back, Defeat Chuck and then if you’re okay with it. I want to join you out here for  however  long you'll have me." 

Cas pulls back with a raised eyebrow. "What about hunting?" 

Dean shrugs, "There’s a lot of hunters out there,  I think  after defeating God I can take my retirement."

"What about Sam?"

"We can build him another cabin," Dean says, already picturing it. "We can give Bobby and Jody the bunker keys and move out here. Sam will  probably  want to steal the kittens but  I think  we could make it work. Sam and Jack can have their own nerdy space and I can keep you here all to myself."

Cas snorts, covering the blinding smile on his face. " Hopefully  not right here though. The waters getting cold."

"It's  barely  tepid. Your human skins to fragile for this." Dean jests, even if there are goosebumps breaking out on his skin.

"I still have my angel blade, I want you to be aware of that."

Dean raises an eyebrow. "Was that a euphemism?"

Cas gets out of the shower.

Dean snorts and follows him out of the room, patting himself dry before finally sitting down on Cas's new bed. He immediate feels betrayed. "Is this memory foam?" 

"Yes," Cas says, settling against Deans side. "You were almost always praising its qualities. I figured I should see what all the fuss is about." 

"I have been sleeping on a twenty-year-old couch with a bar digging into my ass while you had memory foam!" Dean whines, settling into the bed. His spine sighing in relief. 

Cas groans, "Yes, and you know why. Now go to sleep Dean." 

"We should  probably  stack up the burner before doing that."

Cas whines into his pillow, Dean shakes his head getting out of the bed to go stoke the fire. They've been together an hour, and Cas has got him wrapped around his finger. 

When he sees the kittens asleep in his jeans he decides he's fine with it. Sure his ass is cold because he's out of bed, but he's got a couple of cute kittens and an ex-angel letting him into his bed. Even Chuck couldn't ruin this moment for him. He smiles as he stacks the fire then crawls back into bed where he belongs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for coming back and reading this fic after so long you mean the world to me.


	9. Chapter Nine: Cozy Tranquility ( Von Grey)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took a while, I'm going to talk about it more in the endnotes but I hope you all are doing okay in Quarantine.

Cooking breakfast is always something Deans has been good at. As a kid, he always enjoyed the bit of normalcy that came with making Sam food. He got good at figuring out how to time the motel toasters just right so it wouldn't burn. He went through a phase where he learnt all the different types of egg styles to impress Sam every morning. Hoping that the wonky smiley face he made, would make Sam happy after weeks of missing their father. Since they found the bunker Deans explored cooking more. He's made breakfast for the other hunters that have passed through its doors. Charlie had even asked him for seconds. He's never cooked for Cas before.

Dean takes his time re-learning how to use Rufus stove. The kittens weaving in and out between his legs. They're tiny claws scraping over his bare feet. He fed them earlier but the smell of meat cooking has sent them into a frenzy and it's a constant effort not to trip them up. Despite that, he can't stop smiling. He's dreamed of being with Cas for what feels like forever but he never actually believed it would happen. Sure Sam filled his head with hope from time to time, or Cas would look at him in a certain way and Dean would think this is it. But he never thought for a second the world would have stopped trying to end and he'd get to find out what Cas tastes like.

He hums under his breath as he fries the eggs. Trying not to sing the words to Shake it Off out loud. He doesn't want Cas to wake up and overhear him. Outside the snow continues to fall. A thick layer already covering the forest floor outside. For however long it takes to melt, they are essentially trapped here and Dean is strangely happy about it. It feels like the world is giving them a reprieve to explore what it means to be with each other. He's sure it won't last forever, he still needs to call Sam about Cas's spell and Chuck is still a problem. But for now, Dean just wants to enjoy being with Cas for however long the universe gives him.

Strong arms wrap around Deans waist and interrupt him from his musings. Cas's stubble scratching over his shoulder as he presses a kiss to Deans neck. "G' morning." He mumbles, voice thick with sleep.

Dean grins, unapologetically happy as he flips the bacon. "Morning sleepy head."

"I thought you weren't a morning person," Cas says. His arms tighten around Deans waist as he slumps against Dean's back.

Dean snorts, poking Cas's ribs with his elbow. "It's after ten dumbass," He says, plating up the food. "You just need coffee."

Nodding in a sleepy agreement Cas reluctantly lets go of Deans waist and stumbles to the coffee pot. The Cats trailing behind him like ducklings. Dean shakes his head and plates up the food, making a dumb smiley face to see how Cas reacts. When he sees it Cas snorts a laugh over his mug. "It's nice seeing you so happy."

Dean stumps his toe against the counter and drops his spatula. His face flushing. "I - Ugh - thank you." He croaks, unsure how he responds.

Cas shakes his head, grasps Dean's chin and kisses him softly. "You can be surprisingly adorable for a man that kills monsters."

Dean swallows hard and steps away from Cas. "I would like to remind you that I was once a demon." He says, grabbing his plate and trying to sound as surly as possible. Cas laughs bringing his plate to the kitchen counter. Where he continues to grin at Dean's embarrassment. "Shut up, you're happy too."

"Of course I am," Cas says plainly as Dean gets redder. "What happened yesterday, I've wanted that for a long time."

"Well good," Dean says, hiding by eating his food. "Do you think it's something you're going to keep wanting."

Cas rolls his eyes, casually hooking his ankle around Deans. "Yes, but I think breakfast would be a good idea first. I don't want to fuck you on an empty stomach."

Dean nostrils flare, "You want to fuck me."

"If you're amenable then yes," Cas says, almost too casually.

Licking his lips Dean stares at Cas, "Have you ever you know - fucked a guy before."

Cas sighs, taking a long sip from his coffee. "No, but I would like to learn with you."

Dean swallows heavily, staring down at his breakfast and back up at Cas. His dick hardening by the second. "Cas, I think I'm finished eating."

Cas's sly smile is downright wicked as he pushes back from the chair. Dean scrambles to follow him into the bedroom. Pulling off the sweatshirt he stole from Cas's closest along the way. The second he enters the room Cas is on him. He kisses Dean hard and hungry, his hands skating over Dean's ribs. Dean groans, tangling a hand in Cas's hair and licking into Cas's mouth. They shuffle backwards, Cas shoving Dean back onto the bed, kissing him the whole way down.

Straddling Dean's thighs, Cas pulls off his shirt and Dean runs his hands over his thighs. He cups Cas's ass and rolls his hips, their sweats streach over their raging hard-ons. Leaning on his elbows Dean kisses Cas's chest, tugging at a nipple and grinning when Cas hisses. He has no idea where Cas's hot spots are yet, but he can't wait to learn them. He wants to learn every inch of Cas's skin now that they have the time. Dean stops when he gets to the glowing necklace around Cas's neck. He looks up at Cas's eyes and takes the pendant into his mouth. Fully aware that this thing is just as much a part of Castiel as the muscles beneath Dean's hands.

"Dean- '' Cas moans, his fingers brushing over Dean's jaw as Dean lets the pendant go. Cas replaces it with his tongue kissing Dean fiercely as he grinds against Dean's hip. Dean sighs into it and starts pushing at Cas's pants and realises that he’s been going commando all morning.

"Fuck I want you," Dean says, squeezing Cas's bare ass in his hands. Cas moans pulling away to shove off his pants completely. Dean licks his lips, staring at Cas's thick cock and shivers inside. He can't fucking wait to get that in him.

"I'll get the lube if you take off your pants," Cas says, staring down at Dean with dark hungry eyes. Dean wants more than he can say. He nods already scrambling as Cas reaches under the bed to pull out the lube. "I don't have condoms," Cas says hesitantly, his cheeks flushed. 

Dean bites his lips after the amazon case he’s been safe. He hasn't gone without a condom in years. He knows he's clean and Cas is probably clean considering he was an angel until a few months ago. He barely thinks about it, Dean just wants to feel him. "It doesn't matter," Dean says trying not to squirm at the thought of getting Cas in him with no barriers.

Cas groans, his mind clearly on the same thing as he blankets Dean on the bed. There cocks sliding against each other as he kisses Dean hot and heavy. Dean gasps when he pulls back, his chest panting as Cas kisses down his throat to his nipple. Using just enough teeth that Dean can't help himself from grinding against Cas's hip. He’s so turned on he can barely breathe. He's usually smoother than this, less desperate, but Cas does things to him that no one else does. Gripping his dark hair in his hands, Dean pulls Cas up stroking a thumb behind Cas’s ear before kissing him desperately. "C'mon Cas get me ready." He half begs arching up against Cas’s cock. He needs Cas in him soon before he blows his load.

Cas nods and finds the lube looking at Dean questioningly as he warms the gel on his fingers. "Just take it nice and easy," Dean guides him, licking his lips as Cas circles his hole. He moans loudly as Cas's pushes his finger in until the first knuckle. The old familiar ache making arch into Cas's touch. Fuck it's been a while, Dean has no clue why he stopped seeking out men. Probably because he kept comparing them to Cas in his head. "That's it Cas, just like that."

His pupil's blown wide Cas stares at Dean like he's a miracle made flesh. His finger slowly spreading him open as Cas kisses along his hip. "You're so beautiful like this Dean." He praises, adding a second finger and making Dean whine with pleasure. He's shaking with need already, feeling like he could any second. Cas watches him hungrily, learning what Dean likes as he moves his wrist. Leaving small bite marks on Deans hips.

"Fuck, Cas," Dean moans, rocking into Cas's hand. He keeps letting out small desperate noises as Cas's fingers brush along his prostate. His cock leaking with every touch Cas gives him. "Fuck I need you." He says meaning it more than just sexually. 

Cas shushes him gently, kissing Dean's hips, his hand running soothing circles on his knee. "It's okay Dean, I've got you." He says before pulling his fingers out. Dean makes a small mournful sound at the retreat even though he knows what is happening next. Cas's cock bumps up against Dean's hole and Cas groans. His dark head bowed as he slowly starts to slide himself inside. Dean groans soundlessly, feeling like he's being split open as Cas enters him. His fingers, digging bruises into Deans thighs.

Toes curling in the sheets Dean rolls his hips down, taking Cas in and panting at the feeling of Cas inside him. Cas makes an awestruck sound, slowly starting to find a rhythm as sweat builds on his brow. He starts to move, filling Dean deeply and panting hotly against Dean's ear. Dean grabs at his shoulder, his thigh winding around Cas's ass as he presses Dean into the mattress. "Fuck -Cas- Just like that." Dean pants, his whole body flushed.

Cas looks completely overwhelmed as he moves his hands slipping on Dean's flushed skin. Pushing into him harder and faster while Dean arches his back into it. The bedframe rattling beneath them. "Dean," Cas moans, shaking his head as he breathes Enochian into Dean's ear and Dean dies a little inside.

"Yeah, Cas I know." He says, reaching down to fist his dick in time with Cas's rhythm. Angling his hips so Cas is hitting his prostate just right. He bites his lips, a loud moan spilling out of him. "Right there Cas, right fucking there."

Cas nods, lifting Deans leg higher so the angles perfect as he drives into him. His breath coming in ragged pants against Dean's neck. Dean licks his lips, kissing Cas’s neck and shoulders as he keeps making noises. Quiet aching little things as his insides constrict. Fuck he's going to come. He speeds up his hand on his cock, gripping Cas's shoulders tightly with his other as Cas blows his mind. Cas's rhythm starts to stutter. The Enochian words spilling out of his mouth like water and Dean comes hard between them. His eyes, rolling back in his head.

Cas groans, his hips speeding up as he chases his own release. Prolonging Deans orgasm until he spills hot and wet inside him with a sigh. Dean moans at the feeling, pulling Cas close and kisses his sweaty forehead. "I think you've learnt the basics," Dean says into his hair when he finally catches his breath.

  
Miraculously Castiel - former angel of the lord - giggles against Dean's chest. "I look forward to learning more." He says, kissing Dean's tattoo. Dean sighs, stroking his hand through Cas's hair and smiles at the ceiling. He's looking forward to it too.

  
  


It takes two days before they eventually make it out of bed for more than food. He hasn't felt this horny in at least a decade. Deans closer the forty than he is to thirty at this point, but he aches for sex like he did in his twenties. Cas is every dream he's ever had come true and his dick won't let Dean forget it. It helps that Cas can't keep his hands to himself. A millennium of chastity and a decade of wanting Dean seemed to be bubbling over and Dean loves it.

Unfortunately, Cas's phone had abruptly busted their little bubble this morning. When his boss called him in at fucking dawn. Dean had just groaned clutching Cas's pillow as the bastard escaped and took his body heat with him. So now Dean is trying to get Cas's stove to obey him. It makes a clunking sound, the wood finally popping to life as Dean freezes his balls off. He hasn't been caught in a blizzard in years and he needs to check on baby to see how she's doing. The old girl isn't made for snow. Huffing a sigh Dean stands, his muscles aching in a way he half-forgotten. God, he really should have seduced Cas years ago.

Spice watches him curiously as he puts on two of Cas's sweaters before stepping outside. The little kittens big blue eyes looking up at him from beneath the bed. She seems to have gotten over whatever animosity harboured towards him. Sometimes she even allows Dean to rub under her chin after he's fed her. Deans not sure if it's the fact that he probably smells like Cas now or if it's just her getting used to him. But either way, he enjoys it when the two kittens follow him around the cabin.

Swallowing as he puts on his boots Dean winks at the kitten, "Wish me luck, it's ice-cold out there." Tilting her head exactly like Cas Spice yowls. Dean considers that as decent encouragement. Outside the ground has vanished beneath the snow. The pine trees around Cas's home are full of it, making the whole hollow smell like Christmas. Hopefully, it will have melted a bit before then. He wants Sam to come to the cabin and celebrate with them. Maybe they'll even have Jack back by then. Dean clears his throat against the rush of emotions that hit him. He's still conflicted about how he feels about Jack. He knows the kid was manipulated by Chuck just like everyone else. But he's still the reason Dean doesn't have his mom around anymore. He has no idea if he can ever forgive the kid for it, but he won't have the chance to try with Jack gone. He really needs to call Sam about Cas's spell.

Walking towards the impala Dean frowns and pats his pockets for his phone. Realising he hasn't seen it since the snow started. He shakes his head, figuring he'll find it eventually as he opens the Impala doors. Rufus never did build a garage but he did set up a wooden gazebo of sorts to park the cars under. Thankfully sheltering his baby from the snow. Dew and ice cover the windscreen when Dean steps inside. The doors hinge louder than usual in the silent woods. He shivers and turns cranks up the heat. Leaning his head back, Dean warms his hands over the vents, only to jump when his phone rings from the passenger seat.

Dean jumps and fumbles for it, while the battery light flashes over Sam's face. "Dean!" Sam roars the minute Dean picks up. "I've been calling for days are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine dude," Dean says scrubbing his jaw. "I left my phone in the car."

"And you didn't notice!" Sam shrieks, his voice pitching.

Dean sighs, "I've been a little busy."

"With what?"

"Cas," Dean admits, biting the bullet.

"Cas- you mean you've been spending the snowstorm in Cas's place?" Sam says his tone taking an abrupt change in direction. Dean swallows heavily, knowing Sam can read his silence better than most. "Oh my god, you slept with him."

"Sam -"

"Oh wow, I mean holy shit man I never thought you'd actually do it," Sam says, sounding mystified.

"You told me to go for it!" Dean says, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah but Dean I have been watching you and Cas makes eyes at each other for ten years man! Ten years!" Sam is obviously smiling, clearly relieved as Dean chokes in the front seat. He almost sounds like he's just won the lottery.

"Yeah, yeah you dick, let's just say I'm in no rush to get back."

"I really wish you hadn't said that."

"Why? what's going on?"

"We're not sure, it could just be global warming. But there's been some freaky weather recently. Bobby's getting reports from all over the place. There are storms brewing in the north; wildfires down south. Hell, even the snowstorm you're experiencing multiplied in coverage overnight. It's crazy, Dean. Cosmic crazy."

Dean's heart is pounding. He's been so wrapped up with Cas these past few days. He didn't even take the time to consider Chuck might be up to something. "You don't think Chuck -"

"- Is trying to end the world because we refuse to play ball. Yeah, I definitely think that. I just didn't want to bum you out." Sam admits, sounding frustrated and exhausted.

Dean wonders if those dreams he's had since shooting Chuck have been keeping him up again. "Well, you're doing a bang-up job their Sam."

Sam scoffs, "There's something else Dean."

"What?" Dean snaps, rubbing his forehead. He's so over Chuck's crap.

"I think I'm being haunted." Sam pauses, swallowing harshly. "By Eileen." He says, almost in a whisper.

"Eileen? Eileen Leahy?" Dean asks, his voice cracking. God, why can't they ever catch a break?

"I'm not sure yet. But I keep seeing her Dean. When I got to get gas or to go to the kitchen, or even turn my head. She's just there. It's like she's trying to reach out to me. But I don't think she's powerful enough yet. Bobby said I could take a couple of the recruits and clear out Rowena's place, see if she has any way to contact a ghost."

"I'll meet you there," Dean says, biting his lip. He's not ready to leave Cas just yet but Sam needs him.

"Dean nothing is getting out of Minnesota unless they have a four-wheel drive and a snowplough upfront," Sam says reassuringly. Dean would feel guilty about the joy that hits him. He trusts Sam to keep safe. And if it means in the meantime he's got a perfect excuse to stay with Cas then that's just how it is. Sam laughs when Dean sighs in relief. "I'll be fine at Rowena's by myself. I just need to know what Eileen needs. I don't want to abandon her Dean."

"Yeah, Sam I get it." Dean says scratching his chin. He had seen how Sam had been around Eileen, all bumbling words and too wide gestures. His baby brother was smitten and Dean can't be mad at him for trying to get some closure on this.

"What about the omens?"

"I'll look at Rowena's for something to do with them too Dean. But it might just be the weather."

"What's your shoulder telling you?" Dean asks, refusing to ignore Sam's excuses about it now that it's the eleventh hour. He knows there is more to that wound that Sam is letting on. 

Thankfully Sam doesn't try to play dumb. "It hurts like a bitch but I think we have time Dean."

Dean shakes his head, he has no clue what to do about Sam's shoulder and what it means. But it scares him almost as much as all this omen crap. "We need to get Jack back, he might be the only one who can stop him."

"Yeah but how? Without his soul Cas said Jack will be in the empty," Sam asks, not even questioning why they need Jack. Sams always had more faith in te kid than Dean ever could.

"Cas wants to summon the empty."

"And you're letting him?"

Dean raises an eyebrow. "He's a grown man, I'm not letting him do anything."

"You two should have boned ten years ago," Sam says awestruck. Dean scoffs, rolling his eyes as Cas's truck appears up the lane.

"Yeah, whatever Sammy," Dean groans, knowing Sam is going to tease him for the rest of his existence. "Keep me updated about the Eileen thing."

"I will," Sam says, sighing down the line. "Look after yourself and Cas too. I don't know what's happening right now but we'll make it through this. We always do."

"Bye Sammy," Dean says, ending the call and biting his lip. Cas climbs out of his truck smiling at Dean and stupidly his heart flutters. He gets out of the impala, shaking his head at how ridiculous Cas looks in his old trench coat and knitted hat.

"Hey, handsome." He says, grabbing Cas by lapels and kissing him softly. Cas smiles at him and Deans left dazed. Dean would do anything to keep Cas happy. Even if that means killing God.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was a trip, kind of lie this month actually. I'm not going to like I had no motivation to write anything last month. All my creativity dried up in the wake of Corona because I had no idea what was happening. Honestly, I still don't but thankfully we are in a mandatory lockdown. I know I've made dozens of promises before about when I will get this fic finished but I'm feeling hopeful for having it done by the end of April. I will go back to posting on Fridays starting from this Friday but for now, have a rare Monday update because I left you so long.


	10. Chapter 10: Wasteland Baby! (Hozier)

"_And in other news, the storms which resulted in the large bush fire in Louisiana on Monday have now hit Florida. Causing mass flooding in many areas. Some have begun to speculate whether this truly is the end of days."_ The radio snaps off with a definitive click. 

Dean blinks up at Cas from where he's slumped on the couch, watching the snow melt on the window. "I was listening to that." He says still frowning from how useless he's starting to feel. He thought he'd love a vacation with Cas but now that he knows the worlds ending it's impossible to ignore.  
  


He tries, he's been spending his days enjoying time with Cas. Showing the former angel how to cook has become his new favourite thing. After all the filthy sex they've been having. But the second he's away from Cas, Sam's warning plays in his mind.

"Dean, this isn't helping," Cas says, scrubbing his hand through his magnificent bedhead. Dean had stumbled out of bed after Cas had fallen asleep. Unable to get comfortable despite Cas's arms around him. Grunting Dean shrugs, making Cas roll his eyes. He hits Deans legs, "Push your feet up."

Dean pulls his knees up to his chin, staring at Cas carefully. He's wearing Dean's flannel that still has wood glue on the sleeves. Deans so in love with him his chest hurts. "I can't lose this Cas." He says honestly, his voice cracking at the very idea.

Cas's eyes are wide as he stares at Dean. Linking their hands together on the couch. "You won't." He says, more certain than he's ever sounded reciting God's word.

Dean wishes he had half of that conviction. "You don't know that Cas. We still don't have Jack back and even if we did we don't have the gun anymore. What's Jack going to do? What are we supposed to do?"

"I don't know Dean," Cas says, pulling up their joint hands to kiss Deans scarred knuckles. "But we've always worked it out before."

"We needed Chuck to help us defeat Amara, Cas."

"Because he planned it that way. If he didn't involve himself I'm sure you and Sam would have defeated her eventually." Cas says like he's stating the obvious. He shakes his head. "But that doesn't matter anymore Dean. As much as my father believes otherwise, he isn't the be-all and end-all. You and Sam have always defied fate, I don't see why this should be any different. We can write our own ending Dean."

Dean scowls, anxiety clawing up his throat. "You have far too much faith in me after everything I've done."

"The things you have done are why I have faith, Dean," Cas says kissing Dean softly. "You inspired me to defy God's will long before we came to this point. You told me yourself last week, we can do this. Chuck doesn't expect us to make our paths. You can't change your mind about that now."

Dean huffs out a laugh. His memories of that conversation are mostly overshadowed by the fact he kissed Cas. He can barely remember what he said but he knew Cas needed to believe it. It's nice knowing now that shoes on the other foot Cas is there to inspire him.  
  


No matter how things have changed between it will never change the fact that they are a team. They were brothers in arms longs before Dean fell in love with him and those roots are still there. No matter what happens, Dean knows Cas will be fighting by his side. 

  
He just wishes Chuck was his only worry. "What if we win and the empty come's for you anyway?" Dean asks. Like the question hasn’t been bothering him all week. He just got Cas back for fuck's sake. He can't lose him again. If anything happened to Cas Dean won't survive it.

"It can't Dean," Cas says, pulling out grace from under his shirt. "As long as I don't have this, the empty has no claim over me."

"But what if it does?" Dean says swallowing hard. He's had nightmares about it, that black sludge from the basement consuming Cas. Pulling him somewhere Dean can't reach.

"Then you'd find me again," Cas says, his eyes shining. "You've always managed to find me."

"If this is you joking about you running away to become a hermit now is not the time." Dean scowls, trying not to smile despite his words.

"I'm not a hermit Dean. I just own a cabin in the woods. A cabin I happen to love, and the empty hasn't done anything about it despite what it said about coming for me when I was happy. I'm still here."

"But you are happy, right? With me I mean?"

Cas rolls his eyes, jostling Dean like he's being an idiot. "Of course I am. For the first time in eons I am truly happy Dean. Chuck isn't taking that away from me no matter what he does."

"Okay," Dean says, trying not to blush at Cas's words. He shakes his head instead, biting back a yawn.

Cas watches him with soft eyes. "Come back to bed Dean. The world’s not ending yet and you need to sleep." He kisses Dean, his teeth playing over Deans lip. "Or you could let me tire you out, I promise it will be a lot more worth your time than listening to the radio."

  
Dean rolls his eyes but doesn't fight it when Cas pulls him up from the couch. The display of strength causing heat to flare to life in his gut and suddenly he’s dying to let Cas distract him. 

When they eventually fall asleep, their hands still locked together.

Dean wakes up with the sun blazing into his eyes. He blinks against the light and frowns. It seems he did manage to sleep after all. I seems Cas is learning about deco faster than Dean ever expected which is yeah, pretty fucking awesome. After last night he’s not surprised he was to tired to think anymore. Dean would thank God but he resents thanking that bastard for anything. Yawning wide enough his jaw cracks, Dean starts to turn around when Cas says, "Don't move."

Dean lifts his head, a smile beginning to bloom when he sees Cas scowl at him. His hair is fucked six ways to Sunday. Dark locks covering his eyes as he frowns down at the notebook in his lap. He holding a chewed-on pencil in his left hand. "Were you drawing me?" Dean asks as Cas flips the pencil to erase something on the page.

"Yes. I was almost finished but then you moved," He pokes Dean with the pencil. "And now it's not going to look right."

Dean shrugs, finding Cas's mood more adorable than he probably should. He's got an image to maintain. He shouldn't be fighting a smile like this. Not with the end of days on their frigging doorstep. "I didn't know you could draw?"

"Neither did I until recently," Cas shrugs his pencil scratching against the paper. "I never really tried to do it before. But when I moved out here I needed something to do. The magazines Rufus had in the basement said that art was a good hobby."

Dean raises an eyebrow at the thought of Rufus with some kind of reader's digest in his basement. He guesses that someone can only live out here for so long before you need to get a hobby. But God, Bobby having a pedicurist was the weird enough. Now he has to wonder if Rufus crocheted. 

If he lives long enough Dean supposes he might have to learn something. He always wanted to finish learning how to play Zepps' entire discography on the guitar. He imagines playing guitar on the porch while Cas draws something beside him and smiles. He wants that more than he breathe right now, but first they have to get rid of Chuck. 

He shakes his head, forcing himself to think of something else before he spirals into moping again. "What kind of things do you draw?" Dean asks, wondering bizarrely if angels think in realistic or abstract concepts.

"Memories mostly," Cas says, slotting the pencil behind his ear. "Things I saw in heaven, human cities that no longer exist, you and Sam throughout the years."

Dean smiles, "Can I see them?"

Cas's hands grip the notebook tightly, holding it like a holy relic against his chest. For a second Dean thinks he's going to say no. Which is kind of surprising. It’s not like Cas has never really had any shame. 

He never gets why Dean gets embarrassment about his non rock musical tastes. Because Cas is never learnt to be shy or embarrassed. So Dean knows it's not his reaction to Cas's arts skills that’s holding him back from sharing the book with Dean. It's something bigger than that.

Still clutching the book right Cas says,"Some of the things in here, they might change the way you see me,"

Dean bites back a smile, he wants to tell Cas that’s bullshit but a wonderful thought suddenly occurred to him. "Cas have you been drawing porn?"

"No," Cas scowls huffing as he flips through the pages. "Please get your mind out of the gutter. A lot of these memories are from before we met. Back when I was still an angel and loyal to the host. Some of the things in here you've never seen me like that before."

Dean licks his lips, suddenly itching to grab the notebook out of Cas's hand. "Cas?" He says slowly, "Does that notebook have a drawing of your true form in it?"

Cas sighs, leaning against Dean's side so they can look at the notebook together. The page he's opened on is more creased than the others. Like Cas has lingered on it more than once. Dean is in awe the second he looks down. On the page is something worthy of being worshipped. Cas's true face is sketched in the centre like a mask. His eyes empty and vast. From his head sprouts a halo but it's nothing like Dean once assumed. It's solid, made of bone and larger than Cas's whole face. Cas's body is less certain, it looks like a sheet but it could be light for all Dean knows. What's most striking is the wings framing the portrait and filling the sides on the page. Cas has filled them in black, darker than the night sky. 

He presses a kiss to Cas's cheek, suddenly remembering that day those shadows grew from Cas's back in the barn. It’s the closest he’s going to come to seeing this beautiful creature and hates that. He makes a note to grab Cas some colouring pencils when all this is over. This is something he has to see in colour.

"You're beautiful," Dean says without hesitation wrapping his arm around Cas's shoulder. Pressing another kiss to his hair.

Cas blinks up at him. Dean has no idea what the look on his face is supposed to mean but he likes it. "On the third day, Chuck had yet to create the moon," Cas says, relaxing into Deans side. "The oceans were so still. Nothing filled them yet and you could see the sky reflected into them. I knew what my brothers and sisters looked like of course but this was the first time I ever saw myself. It was the first time I realised I could be a separate entity from the host. I had an identity." 

He sighs stroking his thumb over the edges of the picture. "When you look at me you see Jimmy Novak's skin and while I've accepted that's who I am now. But I've always wanted you to see me for what I truly am."

"I'm glad you did," Deans says, clearing his throat. The longer he looks at the drawing. The more familiar it seems, like a foggy memory he half forgot. "I wish I could remember you saving me. In hell I mean, I bet you looked pretty badass."

Cas tilts his head, a frown on his face before he begins to flip through the pages again. "An angel's form is difficult to comprehend. With the trauma you had from hell I'm not surprised you forgot me, the brain can only handle so much. This isn’t the closest I’ve ever came to capturing that moment."

Cas has drawn his true form again, far larger than Dean expected. His mask-like face is tilted upwards looking away from his hands. A figure that could be Dean is held inside it, his face scarred as he tries to scramble from it. His eyes are black. Even though Cas's face should be devoid of expressions, Dean can see something on it. Theres forgiveness in his blank eyes, a softness in his slitted mouth. 

  


_Art By [@Saawek](https://saawek.tumblr.com/post/163575341861/this-trueformcas-is-entirely-traditional-made) _

Dean swallows as Cas puts the notebook down and turns in Deans arms to look up at him. "I'm very glad it was me that found you down there."

"So am I," Dean says relief in his voice. He can't picture Uriel looking at him with forgiveness on his face. Nor can He imagine Anna cradling his soul so sweetly even as Dean fought against it.

Cas smiles into Dean's chest, kissing the skin there as he strokes a finger down his neck. His hand continues to slide lower unit he's holding Deans left bicep. "When we returned to earth I absorbed your soul into me, similar to how you carried Benny from purgatory. I used Jimmy's vessel to heal your body. I fused you back together but my grace couldn't let you go. It formed a brand and since that moment I have yours."

"I didn't realise you were such a sap Cas. Saying things like that all the time, anyone else would think you're proposing or some shit?" Dean says, laughing to hide the shake in his voice.

Cas bites his lip looking down at where his brand used to be. "Would it be such a bad thing if I was?"

"Cas -" Dean says breathlessly. "It's only been a week."

"And ten years."

"You hated me three weeks ago."

Cas kisses him fiercely, devotion pouring into Dean's mouth with every movement. His hand clenched tight around Dean's arm like he can reform his brand. "I have never hated you, Dean Winchester," Cas says as he pulls back. His tone brokering no arguments. "You infuriate me and you've hurt me and at times I have wanted to hate you, but I never could. The world could be ending at any moment and there's nowhere else I'd rather be at the end of times than at your side. I've been devoted to you for a decade now and I don’t see that changing anytime soon."

Dean swallows heavily, Cas's honesty feeling like a punch to the gut. "You really want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life?"

"Of course I do," Cas says kissing Dean again. Dean kisses back just as harshly. He never thought he would get this. He knew with Lisa that if he ever got her a ring she would have said no. Because they were always going to be temporary. Dean was never meant for settling down. Even as a kid he always thought it would be Sam who wound up with a white picket fence. Not him. But now he's got a cabin in the woods, a couple of kittens, and Cas crawling into his lap.

Dean squeezes him tight, refusing to let go as he pulls Cas into his arms. He opens his mouth, ready to tell Cas that he wants that. He wants that life with him when someone knocks at the door.

Cas freezes, lifting his head to stare out the window. From outside the porch, stairs creak and Sam's voice comes through the door. "Dean are you in there because we've got a problem." 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back when I started this fic I asked Saawek could I use the fantastic art used in this chapter and I was so happy she said yes. So you should go show her some love by reblogging her art [here.](https://saawek.tumblr.com/post/163575341861/this-trueformcas-is-entirely-traditional-made)


	11. Chapter 11- Burning one down (Cobi)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this wasn't updated last week. Quarantine timetables are wacky and I just didn't get as much time to write as I would have liked but I did make very cute art to make up for it.

Sam keeps banging as Dean scrabbles for his pants. Cursing up a storm as he trips over the legs while rushing to the door. Sam stumbles past him, snowflakes clinging to his hair. He stomps his feet on the floor, "Its fucking cold out there." He hisses rubbing his gloved hands together. 

"I'll make coffee," Cas says, his voice still rough from sleep. Sam blinks at him, taking in the way he leans against the doorway. Wearing one of Deans fraying t-shirts and bleached stained sweats. His gaze lingers on Cas's bare feet like it’s the oddest thing he's ever seen. Dean doesn't know when it stopped being weird to him. He spent ten years seeing Cas in his trench coat and suits, but Dean can picture him like that anymore. That Castiel was the angel that fell for him and fought for him. He was untouchable and Dean ached to touch. Now like this Cas is softer, more accessible. He looks like a man in love. His hair standing on end because Deans addicted to running his hands through it. 

Sam goes red, as he looks back at Dean. His eyes lingering on the finger-shaped bruises Dean knows he has on his hips. The necklace of marks that Cas made. Dean smirks back as Sam coughs unsubtly, his eyes wide. "Did I interrupt something?" He asks in perfect, girlish horror. 

It takes everything in Dean not to laugh. Sam may have been supportive of his relationship with Cas. But that high pitched squeak brings Dean back the dozens of times Sam walked in without knocking. He's practically squirming on his feet. Dean braves a glance at Cas who is similarly holding back a smile and loses it. 

"Holy shit Sam your face," Dean says, breathless with laughter. Sam makes a noise that's somehow both a _fuck you Dean_ and a _fuck my life_ all at once. His bitchface is one for the history books. 

"Stop teasing your brother Dean." Cas scolds, handing Dean a cup of coffee and kissing Deans cheek. His eyes sparkling with mischief as Sam makes another long-suffering sound. 

"It's just weird okay," Sam says, taking the second mug from Cas and clutching like it's his last hope of sanity. "I'm happy with you, but your both family and its strange okay." 

"It's not like your life has ever been normal Sam," Cas says picking up his cup and scratching his jaw. Sam keeps staring at him like it’s the strangest things he's ever seen.

"You’re really human," Sam says, clearly not thinking straight and making Dean chock on his coffee. Seriously sometimes Sam is a subtle as two bricks to the face. Cas raised an eyebrow, tapping his mug with his nail and watching Sam like he's a crazy person. Sam slaps his forehead. "Sorry that came out weird - long drive."

"Did you come here straight from Rowena's?" Dean asks, noticing the scruff on Sam’s jaw and the dark circles under his eyes. He bites his lips, taking in Sam’s to prominent cheekbones. He hasn't seen the kid look this bad since the trails. 

Sam sighs, blowing out a long sigh that ruffles his hair. "No, I stopped at the bunker first, I had to get a few things. But I'm fine, just tired, there's been a lot of shit going on." 

"Did you find a way to talk to Eileen?" Dean asks, frowning into his coffee. 

Sam takes a guilty sip, his eyes flicking back to the door. "I did a bit more than that." 

Deans about to ask when the spot beside Sam flashes, Eileen ghost appearing from the veil. Cas steps forward to fight only too stop when Dean grabs his shoulder. "It’s okay Cas, it’s just Eileen." 

Cas narrows his eyes as Eileen smiles brightly. She looks like she been through hell. And Dean has a feeling that's not just figuratively. "Hello, Dean. Cas, right?" 

Cas nods, clutching his mug tightly, Sam groans. "Yeah, sorry for the surprise Cas like I said there been a lot going on."

"You're stuck here?" Castiel says, tilting his head and staring at her spirt like he can see something more than just her image. "Did you escape when Chuck opened the Hellgate?"

"I did," Eileen says, shrugging a little. "I've been trying to talk to Sam since, but no one teaches a hunter how to deal with the ghost stuff." 

Dean nods, remembering how much that ghost kid Cole had to teach them. "Are you alright at least?" He asks his stomach-turning. He knew when he saw her body that it had been a hellhound, but Eileen was one of the good ones. If she would up in hell it was because Chuck sent her there. He feels like he's going to throw up. From the worn look on Sam's face, the kid feels the same way. 

"We think maybe Rowena had a spell to bring her back. It’s a one-time-only kind of a deal too." Sam licks his lips, "She found it for mom but -" 

Dean scrubs his jaw, the sudden urge to be selfish flaring to life under his skin. The part of him that wants his mom around aches, but he takes one look at Eileen and knows that he just can't do it. "Moms at peace Sam. She deserves that, what do you need to do the spell." 

Sam blinks in surprise. He didn't expect Dean to be okay with this, which makes sense because he's really not. But fuck, he was just talking about being in hell with Cas this morning. If Eileen had to go through any of that she deserves this. Far more than Dean ever did. "We have most of the stuff in the bunker. If we had more time, I would have done it there, but we needed to get here first."

"What? Why? What's going on?" Dean asks, suddenly realising that Sam is here for a lot more than to ask for his blessing.

"Storm clouds," Sam says, his hands shaking. "Big dark storm clouds, so dark there's hardly any light."

Dean swallows, hearing a ringing in his ears. A phantom metallic taste lingers in the back of his tongue like fresh blood and dead roses. "You don't think?" 

"Yeah," Sam sighs, blinking in surprise when Cas takes Deans hand. A small smile forming on his face despite the topic. "Amara's back Dean and she's coming here." 

"Okay," Dean says his stomach dropping into his feet. Dean never loved Amara, but he was obsessed with her. He would have done anything for her, and it fucked him up. Even now after the past two years, he's not sure if he'd be able to face her and not feel those things again. He meets Cas's gaze and sees the same devastation reflected on his face because Cas knows it as well. "Okay fuck, we need to scout the area get ready. I -"

"First we're going to go to a diner," Cas says, biting his lip. "I'm sure Sam hasn't eaten in a few hours and all we have here if stale bread. None of us can think about this on an empty stomach."

Sam shakes his head, "I Never thought I'd here you off all people, being on the food before ideas train." 

"Being human has made me realise how important a good plate of pancakes can be." Cas trying to smile. Dean wishes he didn't know him so well. He wishes he couldn't see the slump in Cas shoulders or the way he won't meet anyone eye. Fuck, Cas might just be as terrified of Amara as he is. 

"Okay, just give me a second to get ready," Dean says, fleeing the room before he can examine that too closely. 

Freezing water pounds down on Deans skull. He knows he needs to leave the shower and get ready. That was his excuse to leave the room for crying out loud but Amara. Fucking Amara. Deans stomach feels like it’s being pulled towards her despite everything he feels for Cas. He scrubs more soap over his right arm. The skin is pink and puffy as he rubs at again and again. Trying to remove a sting that's no longer there.

"You'll split the skin if you keep that up," Cas says, holding open a towel. Dean didn't even hear him come into the bathroom. He sighs, getting out of the shower, shivering in the cold air. Patting his skin dry, he avoids Cas's gaze, he can't even think of words to say. His mind is blank and ringing with nothingness. Fuck just hearing her name leaves Dean useless. Cas bumps his knuckles under Dean's chin, his eyes shining when Dean finally meets them.

Deans so terrified he's going to lose him. It sends him scrambling, pushing into Cas's hand so he can kiss him desperately. Cas clutches him tightly. His hand right over the brand he left on Deans soul, long before Amara ever tried to lay claim to him. It helps Dean gentle the kiss. To accept the reassurance that Cas is radiating, making Dean feel less like a kite with a cut string. "Yes." He says before he can think better of it. He doesn't know what Amara will make him do, but he needs Cas to know Dean is his. That he'll always be his.

"Yes, what?" Cas asks, his forehead creasing. Dean kisses it softly, feeling the lines smooth under his touch.

"We never finished our conversation earlier; I'm telling you it's yes." He says, looking into Cas eyes as realisation dawns on them. A wide smile splits his faces, taking years off him. Deans never seem Cas look that happy before.

"I don't have a ring." Cas stammers, his hands shaking against Deans skin.

"It doesn't matter, it's still a yes." Cas kisses him again, his tongue sliding past Deans lower lip and making him shiver. He almost forgets about everything. Already trying to figure out how to pull Cas back into the shower when he pulls back. Dean scowls.

"Your brothers still here, Dean," Cas says, which should honestly be more of a deterrent that it is. It's not like Sam hasn't overheard anything before. They've lived in hotels for Christ’s sake. He knows when it's time to hit the library for research. Cas shakes his head, pulling his hands back.

"Fine," Dean says, breathing out a sigh into Cas's mouth. Cas laughs kissing Dean softly before he reaches around his neck. The blue of his grace lighting up his skin.

"Will you wear this instead," Cas says, biting his lip as if Dean would ever refuse an offer like that. Speechless he nods, letting Cas place the amulet over his head. Cas looks at it, his eyes dark and Dean really needs Sam to leave so he can do something about that look. 

"Dean, Cas you almost ready to go?" Sam yells, with just enough bitterness in his voice that he clearly worked out what they've been doing.

Dean snorts, kissing Cas's forehead again so he doesn't tempt himself. "Go out there and keep him busy, I'll be out in ten."

"Okay," Cas stroking down Dean's neck until he bumps against the chain. "Don't worry about her Dean. We haven't lost yet."

Dean shakes his head, pulling away from Cas and getting his shit together. "If I have it my way, we won't lose at all."

"Good," Cas says, smiling brightly as he lives the room. Eyes locked on Dean's neck. Dean dresses in a hurry only taking the time to find a semi-clean shirt before entering the room again. Cas is sitting beside Sam, solemnly introducing the kittens to him. Spice the traitor is already in his gigantic lap. 

"How come she likes him?" He asks, forcing himself to think past Amara and try to lighten the mood. 

"Clearly it's Sam’s sparkling personality," Eileen says, looking at Sam with a sappy look on her face. Sam smiles back, looking happier than he has in months. Dean adds getting Eileen her body back as soon as possible. To their already insane list of impossible tasks. Sam deserves to look that happy for the rest of his life. 

Spice glares at him from Sam's knee, her blue eyes narrowed into slits. "Cas your cat still hates me." 

Cas rolls his eyes, "She doesn't hate you she's just cautious. And besides Pumpkin likes you enough to make up for it.'

Dean snorts, just as Pumpkin bumps against his heels. Proving Cas right. The little shit is clingy. When Deans not there to entertain her, she sleeps inside his duffle bag. "Yeah, I know," Dean says his voice catching. It's stupid but he's suddenly terrified to leave the cabin in case he never comes back. Dean doesn't want to lose Cas and the life they have just started to build together. He clears his throat, "Hey Sam’s how's the snow situation."

Sam shrugs, petting Spice under the chin. "The roads are gritted but the entire path out here is hidden. We were lucky to get Bobby’s old SUV up this far." 

"Looks like we'll be using my truck then," Cas says grabbing his keys off the coffee table.

"Geez Cas at this rate the Impalas going to feel neglected." 

"It's not my fault she doesn't have four-wheel drive," Cas says haughtily. Like he didn't own a fucking Prius three months ago. 

Dean raises an eyebrow, "I can't ruin her integrity like that Cas. She's a vintage." 

"She still isn't ready for a blizzard Dean." 

"God just get married already," Sam says getting to his feet and shaking his head, likes he's already over their bullshit. 

Deans stomach flutters, "Did you tell him already?" Dean asks, because now really isn't the time. 

Cas frowns looking equally as confused. "No."

"Wait? What? You two are really going to tie the knot?" Sam says, smiling brightly. Dean and Cas nod. "That's amazing!"

Dean flushes, rubbing the back of his neck. Cas smiles at Dean softly. "Thank you, Sam." He says, grabbing Deans right hand. 

Sam stumbles over, throwing his arm around both of them to pull them into a tight hug. "Okay, so now we really need pancakes to celebrate," Sam says just as the room becomes consumed in darkness. 

"Sam -" Eileen says, watching as black smokes blocks out the widows. Around them the cabin shakes, pictures falling off the walls and pans rattling in the kitchen. The kitten's screech, darting into the bedroom and under the bed. Pulling away from the hug Sam reaches for his hip, pulling out his gun and aiming it at the doorway. Cas reaches under the couch, pulling out his angel blade and standing in front of Dean. Dean's stomach turns as the smell of dead roses fills the air.

They all hold their breath as the door bursts open, wood splintering on impact and Amara walks in. "Hello, Dean." She says as everything goes to hell. 

  
  



	12. Chapter 12 - Dream on (Aerosmith)

Cas has always been slightly insane. He's a risk-taker and despite being a kinda nerdy guy. He's an infamous rebel for a reason. No one sane would think the best way to get rid of angels is a bit of self-mutilation for surprise attacks. No one sane decides to throw a Molotov cocktail at archangels. Really the deal he made with the Empty isn't all that surprising as it is suicidally stupid. Like all of Cas's ideas. Because of all things that is the biggest trait they have in common. So, it really shouldn’t surprise Dean when the second Amara enters the cabin, she winds up with Cas's knife embedded in her chest. Because of course Castiel in all his insanity, thought throwing a sword at God's sister was a good idea. 

Amara licks her red painted lips, looking down at the dagger with something like surprise. She's always seemed so impassive. Empty and emotionless even when she was telling Dean she loved him. But there is something like an emotion crossing her face. "Hello Castiel," She says, raising a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. The knife in her chest melts into nothing, falling and not even leaving a mark behind. Even her clothes remain complete. Dean takes a second to take in the fact that the primordial darkness is wearing a bright yellow pantsuit. "You seem different."

"So, do you," Cas says, his voice rough as he stands taller, trying in vain to block Dean from her sight. "What are you doing here Amara?" 

Dean raises an eyebrow. It's easy sometimes to think Cas is painfully awkward. That he's naive and vulnerable, hell even Dean falls for the act sometimes. But as he stands down facing Amara, with nothing but his glare. Dean understands that Cas, even painfully human, is the angel that took on hell and won. He won't back down in front of her and Dean knows he won't quit either. Sam clenches his jaw, rolls his shoulders back, looking at Dean like it’s the last time. Dean supposes there could be worse things in life than dying with these two at his side. 

Amara examines them all, her eyes cold before, bizarrely she starts to smile. "You are the one that summoned me here Castiel." 

"Cas what is she talking about?" Sam asks, his right hand shaking on his gun. Dean frowns following the line of his arm to his shoulder. A white-hot glow is emanating from it, even under his shirt. 

Cas shrugs his gaze following Deans to Sam’s arm. Dean can't help but wonder if it's Amara doing this or if Chuck close by. Using his sister to do his dirty work. Chuck never seemed willing to actually take the death shot, just set it up for someone else. Amara smiles at Cas and Dean shivers. "Despite what my brother has been doing with it these past millennia the Empty is my domain. I created it."

"The last time I tried summoning it, it was a week ago," Cas says, colour leaving his face. "Why are you only responding now?" 

"My brothers kept me very busy." Amara says, looking at her nails, "He's very upset with you two."

Dean swallows heavily, feeling like a goddamn maggot under her gaze. "Yeah well, we aren’t exactly his biggest fan either." 

"Oh, I know," Amara says, her smile sharpening. "That’s the problem." 

"So, what are you going to kill us because we don't worship him anymore?" Sam asks, proving that he isn't the only suicidal one here today. Dean wonders when he became the only one with self-preservation instincts. "You sure changed your tune." 

"Not exactly," Amara says, walking further into the cabin towards Sam. She barely gets three steps before Eileen materialises in front of her. The curtains whipping in the air. "Oh well, this is interesting." She says looking at Eileen, her eyes sparkling. "I guess this means my suspicions were confirmed."

"What suspicions?" They all ask in unison. 

Amara rolls her eyes, and Dean realises she's enjoying this. She's always been dramatic but like Chuck, she seems to enjoy having all the answers. She enjoys toying with them. 

"Amara please just tell us what's going on?" Dean asks, trying to keep his voice soft and non-threatening.

Amara blinks, tilting her head. "You must have noticed that my baby brother is destroying this world." 

Sam nods not lowering his gun even for a second. Dean wishes it wasn't as useless as it was. "Yeah we've noticed, so are you here to kill us before we can stop him?" 

"You can't stop him, Sam," Amara says, her gaze flicking over all of them. "At least not without my help."

"You want to kill Chuck? Again?" Dean asks damn near swallowing his tongue. He thought Amara and Chuck would be buddies by now. But he can't help noticing the differences in her. Dean doesn't feel drawn to her anymore, she's not an all-consuming force blocking out everything else. He can't take his eyes away from her yellow jacket. She’s changed somehow. "Why don't you just do it by yourself? You almost succeeded before."

"That’s true but last time I didn't care if reality ended. This time I do."

"I thought you two had resolved your issues?" Cas asks suspiciously. Neither he nor Eileen have stopped glaring at Amara. Despite the situation, Sam exchanges a look with Dean. It's good to know he isn't the only one wondering when they got two hot guard dogs. It makes a pleasant change when facing down someone like Amara.

Amara shrugs adjusting the lapels of her jacket. "We usually get along better from the other side of the universe. I was perfectly content to spend the rest of eternity exploring your worlds. Honestly, after eons in a prison cell reality is interesting."

"So why aren't you in any of those other worlds? Why are you here in ours?" 

"Because Chuck has already started to destroy those other worlds. He's just keeping the best till last." Dean swallows, his stomach-turning. He can't help but feel guilty for all those other universes. He's sure Chuck would have got bored and done this at some point. But Dean doesn’t try to pretend that he and Sam aren't responsible for it happening right now. 

"My brother thinks because he created the universes, they all belong to him, but I know better now. You aren't his playthings or his entertainment. You are all -"

"Frustratingly complex and truly wonderful," Cas says, softly looking at Dean's face. Dean ducks his head biting back a smile. Amara frowns at them.

"You're both very different." She observes. "Which is of course why I admire humanity I suppose. Even when I was growing into this body I didn't truly grow up, for all of my existence I have been an entitled child. It's only through observing you I've begun to grow I suppose. What matters is that Chuck hasn't and that he never truly will. He's always been so bored. That’s why he made so many universes to play with." 

"And let me get this straight you. Miss I'm going to end reality for revenge is suddenly on our side. I'm not buying it." Dean says, not caring if it gets him killed. Amaras offer is too good to be true. 

"That’s smart of you Dean," Amara says, smiling at him. God, he hates it when she does that. "I wouldn't believe me either. Even if Chuck did erase reality completely it's only a matter of time before he begins again. Like I said he's always bored. I would only have to put up with his sulking for a few centuries or so before I got to explore all the worlds again." 

"Then why the fuck are you here Amara?" Dean demands he's tired of being afraid of her. He's tired of being pulled around by these people. His whole life has never been in his control, but now he has Cas. He's finally got something that makes him happy. And Amara and Chuck would ruin it, would ruin everything, for their own entertainment.

"Chucks time is up," Amara says, raising her brow at Dean. "Despite what he likes to believe we aren't the be-all and end-all. There have always been other forces at play. The kind of cosmic laws I barely understand but one of those is fundamental. Death is inevitable and Chuck is meant to die. He hasn't grown, he hasn't adapted and because of that, a successor came around to take over for him. Jack Kline is the new God." 

"Jack may have been capable of amazing things but he can't be God. Jack is dead." Cas says his voice rippling with disbelief. "Chuck killed him." 

"Jack was killed because he wasn't ready, the three of you were meant to teach him."

"Us?" Sam asks, his voice cracking.

"Who better to teach someone how not to be like God than those who suffered the most from under his plans. Chuck tried to stop him of course." Amara shakes her head, a rueful smile on her face. "Collapsing the universes and getting him to give up his soul was genius really. But it doesn’t change anything. Cosmic law decided eons ago that Jack would replace God. It has been written in Deaths books since the beginning of time and we were never supposed to know about it."

"Then how did you find out?" Dean asks warily. 

Amara sighs, "Chuck has always wanted to find out about his death date. His narcissism couldn't handle the fact that he had one. When the last Death was murdered, I understand there was a bit of a gap before the new one took his place." Cas ducks his head, from her gaze. Dean isn't sure if Amara is judging him for killing her, or for not doing it sooner. With Amara, it could be anything. "Without Death around to guard the books. Chuck was able to sneak in and see his future and since then he's been trying to avoid it. He knew that Jack would take over as soon as Sam killed him." 

"I kill God?" Sam asks, his eyebrows rising. "How?"

"I believe you already have."

"What’s that supposed to mean?" 

"When you shot Chuck, it should have killed him instantly. He needed the gun to be powerful enough to kill someone as powerful as him. He just planned on Dean being the only one who ever got to use it. When you shot him that day he should have been killed. But something stopped that."

"What could stop his Death?" Cas asks, his head tilted "If this was cosmic law, why is Chuck still alive?"

"I wasn't sure until I met this one -" She gestures absently at Eileen. Who's still glaring at her like she's getting paid for it. "Death isn't on this plain." 

"Why would Billie not be here? What did Chuck do to her?" 

"That I don't know. I haven't found a heaven-bound ghost until now. As long as she's here, the reapers aren't working. Which means they all must be too busy trying to help Death. My best guess is that she tried to resurrect Jack and she was trapped in the only place powerful enough to cage her."

"The Empty," Cas says bitterly. "You said that was your domain." 

"It is but while I was caged Chuck made an entity to take my place. If I open the doors Chuck will know what I'm doing. He'll use his entity to kill Death before I even step inside and kickstart the end of the world while he's at it."

"So, what are we supposed to do?" Dean asks looking around the room. "How can we beat him?"

"I can't open the empty without Chuck noticing. That doesn't mean someone here can't get in for me."

"Who?" Sam asks while Dean's stomach sinks like a stone. He doesn’t like where this conversation is going. 

"The only person that truly belongs there." She says looking at Cas. 

"No," Dean says immediately, his hands tightening around Cas's grace. 

Cas sighs, his shoulders slumping. Dean's heartaches just looking at him. "Dean we have no choice."

"No fucking way Cas," Dean yells, gripping the vial tighter. He will throw it in the Atlantic Ocean before he gives Cas the chance to die on him. "I am not letting that thing have you not now. We'll figure something out."

"We don't have the time Dean. I wish we did but I have to do this." Cas pleads, grabbing Dean's other hand. Dean squeezes it tighter. 

"What if you can't get out." He says, his voice shaking. Dean barely reacts as a tear runs down his face. He can't even think about losing Cas without getting upset. 

"Jack could do it." Amara interrupts. She doesn't look very happy to see Dean holding hands with someone else. But Deans too worked up to give a shit about what she thinks. "Theoretically. If Castiel wakes him up, Jack should be able to get you both out of there." Amara says, biting her lip.

"Yeah well, what if I go over there and wake him up and the empty doesn't let you leave? What if I never see you again?" 

"We haven't got another option here Dean," Sam says regretfully not meeting Dean's eye. Eileen flickers out of existence. Clearly not wanting to get involved in this. 

Dean feels like he's going to throw up. "No Sam. No c'mon Cas were not killing you." 

"You don't need to Dean." Cas reaches forward and kisses Dean softly. Dean grips him tight, tears welling in his face.

"What’s the hell do you mean Cas?" Dean asks, resting his forehead against Cas's. He can't lose him. He just can't. 

"I love you, Dean," Cas wraps his arms around Deans neck. "You make me so happy. More than you will ever know." Cas says kissing him again. 

Dean is still trying to work out what the hell Cas is talking about when the necklace around his neck snaps. "Cas! Fuck NO CAS!" Dean yells just as vial shatters.

"I'm sorry Dean," Cas says as blue light consumes him. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.........
> 
> Also double sorry I have no art today does anyone know what it means if your scratch disks are full? My photoshop wont work unless I fix it.
> 
> ——  
Okay so I’m sorry to all those waiting on a SOS update it’s probably going to be up on Wednesday. I know I let you all on a massive cliffhanger but I have a massive uni deadline this week and I’m just working on that and not giving what’s going to be a massive chapter my full attention I’m trying but it’s just now working. I’m too stressed with this deadline.


	13. Chapter thirteen - Drowning (Radio Company)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was the most intense thing I have ever written.  
(possible trigger warnings with spoilers in the end notes but don't panic despite the last chapter theres no MCD)

Cas yells "Close your eyes!" and Dean does by pure instinct. The blue light of Cas's grace flares hot, blinding Dean behind his raised arm. There’s the sound of a thousand storms; wingbeats and a high-pitched song that all angels seem to have. Then there's nothing. Stillness.

Dean lowers his arm.

Cas eyes glowing that ethereal blue that Deans always loved. Dean watches as Cas's spine straightens. Adjusting to the weight of his wings again. Before Dean's eyes, the hickey peeking out from Cas's collar heals. Scratches on his arms from the kittens close and the smell of ozone covers Amaras decay.

For one glorious second, nothing else happens. The black sludge begins to leak from the roof.

Dean swallows, "You gotta run now Cas!" He yells already shoving Cas's back. Except with his super strength back, the bastard doesn't move.

Cas watches it resigned. "I'm coming back to you, Dean." He promises as the black sludge seeps through the floorboards as well. Reaching up to its counterpart in the roof, forming an awful cage around Cas's body.

Dean shakes his head, curses falling from his lips faster than the sludge spills. "Fuck you Cas," He gasps out, his chest aching. "I told you I'm not letting the Empty take you from me."

"Dean -" Cas starts, his face barely visible through the writing bars. Dean grits his teeth and lunges, trying to push Cas out the other side as they fall -

\- and fall

\- and fall

\- and fall

\- Until the Empty consumes them. 

Dean is in an endless ocean of black slime. It sloshes at his sides, climbs over his skin. Oily black tendrils slip inside his throat, his ears, his eyes until Dean can't say, see or hear anything. He senses nothing. He kicks out, choking and spluttering but there's no salvation. Nothing to fight against only the vast Empty sludge. Then as if stung it jerks back.

Spluttering, Dean comes to lying on the floor in a room of darkness. Pure absence. Clearly Amara's domain. Crouched above him, a face Dean never hoped to see ever again smiles.

"Well aren't you a peculiar thing," Alistair says, his voice snider than Dean remembers. Dean scrambles back his heart racing. He doesn't have a weapon; he doesn't even have shoes for fuck's sake. Alistair watches him, examining him curiously.

There’s something off about that look. Dean may have only been his apprentice for ten years. But Alistair taught him everything. Dean learnt everything that Alistair could teach him. Zealous in his devotion to tearing people apart. Even when he wore this in this meat suit Dean knew every look. Every twist of satisfaction in the demon's smile. If Alistair ever saw Dean again, Dean would be his toy for another forty years. This Alistair doesn't have half the satisfaction of seeing Dean on his knees. It’s not him, which means it’s something far worse.

"You’re the Empty." He gasps out, immediately looking for Cas but there's nothing. He gets to his feet; the slimy surface of the ground feels like a bounce house. Dean's been in some fucked up places, but the Empty takes the cake. He's never felt so out of place.

The thing wearing Alistair's face frowns. "You shouldn't be here." It hisses an obscene sound in the emptiness around them. Dean didn't notice it at first. Even in that fucking government bunker, there were sounds. Pipes, footsteps sometimes just his own breathing, but there was always noise. Here it's all absent.

"Why did the angel bring you?" the Empty croaks, his features rippling. Its steps closer and in that step its features melt away. Until Cas is chest to chest with Dean. It doesn't mimic the Cas that Dean kissed hours ago. It's Cas as he was before all this started. His hair messy as fuck, eyes so inhuman and so goddamn blue. There are bullet holes in his suit. A tear in his chest that's almost the perfect size of Ruby’s knife. Think wearing Cas's face tilts his head, a mockery of his expression the night they met. "How are you here? You’re not like them." It spreads its arms wide, gesturing to ground around them.

Dean swallows, realising the lumps in the ground blanketed by black slime. All of them are human-shaped, some even have spaces uncovered. A corner of a suit jacket, a trainer, even a hand. "I was trying to save him," Dean says, his voice shaking. Fuck, he thinks, that might just have been Crowley’s ring.

"Who? Castiel?" It hisses looking up at Dean with a terrifying spark coming to light in Castiel's stolen eyes. "You’re his human. The one he cried out for even in death." It smiles lifting its hand to grab Dean's arm. Perfectly aligning Cas's hand to the mark Dean once bore. "He bound you to him forever of course. You're his for all off time, the afterlife is nothing compared to that."

"What?" Dean gasps, fighting a wave of exhaustion that comes from this thing’s touch.

"No wonder he never slept; you were out there." Dean's knees hit the ground, his palms sinking into the sludge. "I'll keep you here, He'll never wake then and the Almighty will finally allow me to get some sleep." It says almost to itself. Dean fights to keep his eyes open to watch it, but he's tried. He's never been this tired. " Just like you will now little human. Go to sleep and dream of your angel."

Dean sinks.

For a while, Dean is drowning in nothingness. He blinks open his eyes and slowly shapes start to appear. Mere outlines of grey forming blobs in the darkness. Dean assumes it's a trick at first, like how coat racks turn into monsters in the dark. But the shapes get colour, the smell of sand and sulphur fills the air. Behind him a city burns, dark smoke filling the landscape.

Above him, wings spread wide is an angel. Her dark wings are blacker than the night. Blocking Deans view from whatever is in front of her. Beside Dean children cower, dark eyes watching the proceedings. When the angel speaks Dean shivers. "They are innocent!" She yells holding down her blade to fight. "Practically kin."

Dean stands, looking over her wings at the four other angels staring her down. One has the biggest sword Dean has ever seen his life. The clothes he's wearing are old, made for a commoner in this heat, but Dean still pictures him a suit. He wonders what kind of a badass Uriel was to have kept his meat suit all this time. "Castiel you don't really believe these abominations are anything like us, do you?"

Shocked Dean looks at the woman in front of him, taking in the strength in her shoulders. Those goddamn wings and wonders how he could have assumed anything else. "Ariel sired them," Cas says, looking over her shoulder at the two kids sprawled on the dirt. They look back at him with glowing golden eyes.

"Shit Cas are they Nephilim?" Dean asks he’s not surprised when Cas doesn’t turn her head and look at him. One-touch to her wings is enough to confirm he’s a ghost.

"Ariel paid for that crime, Castiel. Would you like to join him?" Flipping the huge knife in his hands Uriel stares Cas down and as usual, she holds her ground. Dean wonders if there's any version of Cas that he's not in love with.

"I'll take it from here Uriel." A woman behind Uriel’s wings says. Cas and Uriel are dressed as commoners, but this woman is wearing purple silk. Her wings the colour of swords.

"Naomi!" Cas gasps real fear in her voice.

Dean growls low in his throat charging for her but he stumbles instead.

Around him the desert changes, melting away to a space he can't really comprehend. Everything is white noise and pain. A huge form, bigger than anything Dean can comprehend is bolted to the ground. Its face shifts and blurs. Burning Dean's eyes, but for a second he reconciles Cas's self-portrait. Another indescribable shape appears before him. Alabaster features looking down in disdain as it stabs a blade into Cas head. Dean screams when Cas does as the scene ripples again.

Cas is standing in the rain. He's wearing a man's skin this time, his dark wings soaked. Beside him, another angel stands watching. A dark anger brewing in his eyes. "How could they kill him? How could his own people betray him like that?"

"It was written -" Cas says, his voice shaking a little. Blood pooling at his feet. He swallows back what looks like a sob. "It had to happen Gabriel."

"Our Father killed his own son for a lesson Castiel." Gabriel - apparently says. Dean wasn't aware he could say something with so much anger, sarcasm must not have been introduced to him yet. "Who's to say we aren't next?"

"He consented to it," Cas says his voice shaking. "I was with him in Gethsemane, brother. He knew his choices but he loved them. He loved humanity."

"Why? Why would he do it when he knew they would torture him this way."

"Humanity is more than just torture," Cas says, like its a fact. Like he can't see the nails spearing a brave man's feet. "Besides it's not like our kind hasn't mastered the art. I hear whispers that hell started the practice because of us."

"Well if that's the case then maybe no ones worth saving. Least of all us." Gabriel disappears in a swoop of wings and Castiel sighs. A tear running down his face, almost invisible in the rain.

Dean shivers as Cas's grief fades the cross disappearing in a wave of rain. The scene changes to a warm sunny day. Ishim stands tall, a little girl's brutalised body at his feet. The wings are gone, but a woman with Jimmy's blue’s eyes is glancing down at her. Shoulders stiff in her cream dress. “Was all this violence really necessary?” Cas asks, trying and failing to sound detached. 

“Are you questioning my methods Castiel?” Ishim asks and around her, the other angels turn. Looking at Cas like they are preparing for an execution. Cas shakes her head clearly terrified as Ishim grabs her arm. “We should report back to Naomi? She was expecting you to act like this after that indent in Sodom. I had such faith that you would prove her wrong.” 

“No!” Dean and Cas yell at the same time. 

Reaching out for Cas, Dean trips into the white room again. Cas’s form is clearer now, his back arched as he screams. The angel above him adds another pin to his head. Cas’s scream is so powerful it blasts Dean to the ground.

On his knees, Dean watches as his water hits a cliff face. An angel with wings as red as her hair stands on the edge. Her knife raised to her chest. 

“You can't do this Anna,” Cas says wearing the same woman as last time. Her voice reaching Dean on the shore below. It should be impossible to hear her from his place on the beach. But the Empty’s magic doest care about logic or physics for that matter. 

“Are you really going to stop me, Castiel? You of all angels?” Anna roars over the waves. One hits Dean on his side, forcing him to his knees again as he cries out at the cold. Cas lifts her head towards the beach and for one second Dean thinks she looks at him. But in an instant the moments gone. Annas question fully registering. 

“What does that mean?” Cas asks, sounding pained. She summons her blade. 

Anna shakes her head and smiles. “You love them just as much as I do. Maybe even more.” She says taking a step back towards the cliff’s edge. Dean watches as she throws herself off. Her blade sinking into her stomach at the same time. Light explodes beneath the waves and Dean is swept away. 

He's dragged by the current as it turns to a river of blood. Hell is worse than darkness. It's putrid and awful. A living blasphemy to all his senses. The creature that must be Cas is flying, thousands of dark shadows incinerated by the light of his grace. Cas barely pays them any attention focusing on the light beside him. Dean turns and sees himself pulling out a woman’s spine. His eyes are black, his skin rotting but somehow, he still shines. When Cas's huge hand reaches out to grab him their lights combine.

Blinking past the white spots Dean is once again in the torture room. It's less painful to look this time. His brain is slowly getting used to the metaphysics. He only wishes Cas felt the same. Chained up again Cas writhes and shakes. Blue white blood leaking from his temple. The alabaster angel smiles and shoves another blade into his brain. Dean runs to stop it and steps into a warehouse instead.

Claire Novak walks into a room with her father bleeding out on the floor. From over her shoulders, Dean sees her giant wings as Castiel crouches beside the man that used to be his vessel. When Cas speaks it isn't with compassion, he makes a deal with Jimmy and sinks back into his skin. 

When Cas stands Dean follows after him. Watching as a ghostly light drips from Cas's ears and wonders how he ever missed it. Turning the corner Dean's world moves again but Cas's words echo around him. "I serve Heaven, I don't serve Man. And I certainly don't serve you."

Dean turns the corner and he’s in Chuck's kitchen. Watching himself get poked on the head by Cas disappearing for good. Cas stands tall, facing down the archangel shaking the house. For once in this nightmare, Dean looks away from Cas to the bastard standing in the corner. 

"Why are you doing this?" Chuck asks, sounding terrified and infinitely curious.

Cas looks at the spot where Dean had stood and doesn't say anything. But if Chuck was looking at his face, he would have gotten his answer. Dean knows now what Cas looks like when he's in love. The house keeps shaking and suddenly the door slams open. A burst of angelic power shoots into the room and Dean's blasted backwards into an alley.

Cas is already there slamming Dean into the wall. " I REBELLED FOR THIS? So that you could surrender to them?!" He screams. Hitting Dean's past self hard enough that Dean winces. He didn't know then what Cas had endured. He didn't know how terrifying a mistake could be to an angel. Never mind the punishment for rebellion.

He watches with understanding as Cas aims another blow at past Deans head. "I gave everything for you, and this is what you give me?! Cas asks and Dean hears it this time. The misplaced love, the fear, the horror at what angels could do to the world if they won. 

His past self-kneels at Cas's feet eyes swollen as Cas lifts his blade. "Do it... JUST DO IT!" He begs and Dean remembers what he was feeling then. He remembers the hopelessness. The fear. He didn't care what Cas was feeling. To wrapped up in his own pain.

He never saw Cas look at his own blade in horror. He never saw Cas realising that he was treating Dean's rebellion exactly like the host did. Dean swallows as Cas flys them both away. His wingbeats making the scene change from dark to daylight. 

Five feet away he sees Lisa’s house. His former self raking the leaves with glee. He never got to do that chore as a kid, and he liked the sound. Liked how the repetition of the action drowned out the sound of Sam’s imaginary screams. Cas appears before him and watches Dean work. Dean never knew Cas did this. Because Cas never told him. At the time Dean had to believe that Cas decided that he wasn't worth the ask. Now he sees himself through Cas's eyes and understands that Cas thought it was too big of an ask to make. He looks away as Crowley appears, tempting Cas away while past Dean remains obvious.

When he turns around he's into another memory. Cas is standing in a ring of fire the front door flapping after Dean's exit. Dean watches as Cas slumps, falling to his knees in defeat. "I just want you to be safe," Cas says into the fire. Glaring as Crowley appears to put it out.

"C'mon angel we've got things to do." He says and Cas nods resigned to his fate. Dean scowls wishing he talked to Cas properly about this. He wishes he knew he was Cas's first choice. He was too busy hating Cas to listen to him. He frowns watching the fire shrink into embers only to appears as orange lights on a roof.

The mental hospital is just as bleak as Dean remembers it. Cas sits hunched up in the corner as the shadows on the walls twist into Naomi’s hands. Cas screams and screams clutching at his head. Meg runs into the room, her nursing uniform just as awful as Dean remembers and she picks him up. Looks into his sightless eyes. "Why would you do this to yourself for them? For him?"

Cas whimpers saying nothing as Megs eyes flash black. Dean can't breathe as he drowns in them.

He’s gasping as he runs through a bleak wood. Behind him the Leviathans roar. Thousands of them are screaming and hungry for blood. Gasping and panting Dean sees a lake and he doesn’t even think about it. He dives in swimming through the Empty's current towards a light. Finally, he thinks, a way out.

Except it’s just another room. It's possibly the worst room yet. Dean steps inside as Cas slaughters a copy of him. Naomi standing beside him. He gasps stumbling over his own corpse, one of many in the room. He looks up and for this first time since this nightmare started, Cas is staring directly back at him.

“Dean?" He says dropping the knife.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (SPOILERS AS TRIGGER WARNINGS HERE)  
\- Semi explict descriptions of Cas being tortured  
\- Mentions of child death  
\- The scene with Anna falling could be seen as a form of suicide  
\- lots of canon typical violence and Dean blaming himself. 
> 
> Okay so we're a week and a day late. I thought I had another week for a uni deadline and I did not. On the plus side as of this Thursday I am finished my first year at Uni. I could have maybe rushed this chapter for yesterdays deadline but like I said this was intense. I've never written anything like this in my life and I wanted it to be perfect so I kept it a day. 
> 
> I'm going to add art to this and last weeks chapter soon because I got my photoshop sorted but I didnt want to delay this any longer. 
> 
> You may have noticed the chapter count went up. It's because I'm a sucker for a ciff-hanger. Theres two more chapter of this story left and maybe an epilouge. Thank you all for reading to this point were almost there and your kind comments are what have kept me going.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to reach out to me, see my progress or scream at me about the feelings I gave you, you can find me on [tumblr.](https://wingsandimpalas.tumblr.com/) Thank you for reading, I love all of you! and if you enjoyed this fic then please share the rebloggable link which you can find [here.](https://wingsandimpalas.tumblr.com/post/189081039097/rating-explicit-parts-112-words-2561-updates=)


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